#(i am currently sick but ill be damned if that stops me from drawing my wildest dreams i.e this)

[undefeatablesin]

I was consumed by the need to see P in that incredible mask from Lisrim's original music video lmao 💫

[sinfulwonders]

👀

Have a different despair disease Kokichi WIP. This one is near completion, but I just felt like something was off about it and never could figure it out to post it! So now it gets to see the light of day because of this WIP challenge :P

Nothing but the Truth

When Kokichi awoke in his dorm room to the sound of the morning announcement, something felt off. The room felt colder than usual and his head was pounding. He wiped a few beads of sweat from his forehead and stumbled out of bed.

Am I getting sick?

Kokichi made his way to his bathroom and was taken aback by how pale his already snow white skin looked. His eyes looked sunken in, as if he hadn’t slept in days, while his purple locks clung to his sweaty forehead.

“I look like shit…” Kokichi mumbled aloud, frowning.

He staggered back towards his warm bed, but before he made it there he heard an all too familiar sound:

DING DONG BING BONG

“All students report to the gym for an announcement! And that means ALL students!” Monokuma’s voice rung out loudly through the speakers, causing Kokichi’s aching head to throb even more.

On an average day Kokichi spent more time on his appearance than he would care to admit, but today he barely got his shirt on correctly. He cursed the clasps as he struggled. But eventually, the sickly boy made his way to the gym.

At the entrance, Kokichi was greeted by a smiling Maki.

“Good morning Kokichi!!!” She beamed, sweat forming under her bangs.

“Umm…” Kokichi had no idea how to respond to this.

Maki’s eyes got wide with concern, “What’s the matter Kokichi?”

What the hell is this? Maki has never said a nice thing to me; is she stealing my shtick and trying to be sarcastic? Is she trying to tease me? Well I guess I need to teach her who’s she’s messing with.

Kokichi rounded up as much of what little strength he had in his current state and gave her one of his best smirks. He answered with as much enthusiasm as he could-

“I feel horrible, Maki. I think I may be sick.”

What the hell was that? I went in to mock her, tell her I feel *absolutely wonderful*, but that’s not what happened…What the hell is going on?

As the rest of the class wandered in, they suddenly heard a laugh at the front of the gym.

“Puhuhuhuhu!”

Monokuma landed on the podium, and lifted his arms in the air, like a gymnast does after a landing, “Listen up, Kiddos! Back by popular demand: The Despair Disease!”

Popular demand? Well that supports my theory that this dumb game is being shown to…someone... But what the hell is the despair disease?

“Now some of you may have noticed that a few of your friends are acting strange. And some of you may be feeling pretty under the weather by now. Well welcome to your Killing Game Motive! Since none of you have had the balls to kill anyone, we’re gonna switch up some of those pesky personalities of yours!”

“Switch up our personalities?” Spoke up the timid detective, hiding under his hat.

“Yep! Cool innit? The despair disease has a pesky side effect! Besides making you feel like shit and nearly killing you, it also effects your personality! Each effect on a person is different, but as the saying goes: opposites attract! Look at Maki for example! Usually so stoic and calm! But today she’s as friendly as ever! That’s why she has the Bubbly disease! Now I gave you that one for free, but you’ll have to figure out the other students that have it yourself! But watch out, Kiddos. It’s contagious!”

As Monokuma said those last words and disappeared from the podium, everyone took a step back from one another. Only Monokuma’s wretched laugh echoed through the silent room. It was a while before anyone spoke.

Finally Maki smiled and said, “That’s weird what Monokuma said, cuz I feel great! I don’t feel diseased or despaired at all! Guess he was wrong!” She gave a peppy shrug and began to skip away.

“Wait Maki! We need to stick together!” yelled Kaito, the spiky haired boy beginning to follow her.

Kokichi rolled my eyes.

Why couldn’t that big oaf get the disease? His personality is infuriating.

“Kaito is right, Maki. We need to figure out who exactly has this supposed disease…” Shuichi started strong, and then trailed off as the group looked at him. He pushed his hat down a bit to hide a slight blush.

Kokichi caught it and sighed, “What a cutie…” He instantly clamped his hand over his mouth. Luckily, no one heard him.

What the hell was that? Why did I say that out loud? Could this be the despair disease?

Kokichi slunk in the background so as not to draw attention to himself, as the group discussed options and eventually opted to have the infected people be confined to their rooms. Kokichi rolled his eyes.

I really need to keep investigating this stupid place. I can’t afford these idiots locking me up for who knows how long.

Kokichi stifled a cough as they asked everyone who was feeling ill, disoriented, or just different to raise their hands. The boy averted his gaze from the others and did not raise his hand.

“Kokichi said he was sick!” Maki sang, her hands behind her back as she swayed back and forth like an excited child. Her pigtails completed the look.

Oh my fucking God Maki. The one time I want you to keep your damn mouth shut you’re feeling extra ready to share. Just my luck.

Kokichi glared and then quickly plastered his signature devious smirk on his face.

“Kokichi- you don’t look so good…” Shuichi took a step towards him.

“You’re right, I feel terrible!” Kokichi blurted and then threw his hand over his mouth. He had tried to reply with an insult and a vague non answer to the question, but had said what he was actually thinking.

Miu burst out laughing, “Oh man! Monokuma did say it made people the opposite! It looks like Cock-ichi can’t lie!”

Kokichi glared and started to retort back. But he choked his words back and just looked at the ground.

I wouldn’t be able to say anything that I wanted to anyway. This is so boring.

Kokichi looked back up at the group, “I’m going to my room. I’m bored.”

Good, I was able to say that at least. But without my lies…I guess I need to wait for this crap to wear off.

Kokichi took a few steps, glaring daggers at a still snickering Miu, but as he passed her he faltered. He started coughing and he almost fell over. While Miu stopped smiling, Shuichi ran up to the boy.

“Kokichi!” he cried as he helped him up, “Do you need help back to your room?”

Ugh I hate this. I’m so freaking helpless. And of course, Shuichi is the first to come to my aid. He’s always so freaking considerate. Bleh. Boring. I just need to tell him that he can go to Hell.

Kokichi rolled his eyes and spit out the word, “Yes.” He instantly frowned and his eyes shot to the floor.

Shuichi smiled and turned back to the others, “Will you make sure that Maki gets back to her room, Kaito?” Kaito nodded and Shuichi glanced at Maki who pouted, “And actually stays there?” Kaito gave him a wide grin and a thumbs up.

Bleh, I wish I could say anything to wipe that stupid “heroic” grin off of Kaito’s face. Actually, I just wish I could say anything. This is the worssssst.

Shuichi and Kokichi made their way back to the dorms in silence. Partway through Kokichi began to lose balance again, so Shuichi insisted that Kokichi lean on him for support. Kokichi replied with an exhausted nod. Kokichi, being the smaller of the two males, forced Shuichi to lean over so that he could drape his arm around his shoulder. He leaned his body into the taller boy, and they began their journey once again.

He smells nice…

“Umm, thanks Kokichi…” Shuichi stammered.

“Oh god, did I say that out loud?” Kokichi’s face turned bright red.

Shuichi gave the boy a kind smile, “Yeah, you kind of did…”

Kokichi eyes immediately shot to the ground.

Jesus. I must be getting delirious. This is the most embarrassing day of my life.

The two continued, making the journey in a now awkward silence. As they got to the Kokichi’s room, Kokichi wrestled with the key until finally opening the door to his messy room. Shuichi helped the boy to his bed and sat him down.

“Do you…need anything else?” Shuichi looked down at his feet as he said it.

For you to leave!

“I’m hungry…and thirsty,” Kokichi whispered.

Ugh God dammit!

“I can go get Kirumi to make you something! What would you like?” Shuichi exclaimed, excited that he could be useful in some way.

Kokichi blushed at the enthusiastic boy, trying to ignore how cute he looked when he was excited, “I guess…soup.”

“Of course! I’ll be right back!”

The detective ran off, on a mission. When the door shut, Kokichi used the opportunity to let out a loud, dramatic sigh. He fell back and hit the pillow.

Shuichi is the worst person for me to be around right now. He’s a detective. He knows how to get information out of people, and now I can’t even lie to him. Also…it sucks that he’s so damn hot.

Kokichi had been attracted to Shuichi since the first time he had met him. He was a quiet, socially awkward boy, but the aura of mystery that he had around him was intoxicating. He seemed like he was always thinking, that his wheels were always spinning, coming up with new theories about everything.

Has he ever spent any of long periods of time thinking about me? Trying to figure me out?

Not only was Shuichi obviously incredibly intelligent with an eye for detail that no one could match, but the detective was incredibly caring and genuine about his feelings.

He knows the intricacies of the world, and how corrupt most people’s intentions are, and still chooses to wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s…I can’t do that…

As Kokichi was absorbed in his thoughts of Shuichi, the boy in question knocked.

“I have soup!”

“Come in…” Kokichi coughed.

Shuichi entered, carrying a very well presented tray, obviously set by Kirumi. The soup smelled amazing, and when the detective handed it over, Kokichi couldn’t help but take a big gulp.

“Ahh!”

“Oh! It’s still hot!” Shuichi exclaimed, quickly handing Kokichi the glass of water on the tray. Shuichi tried not to smile at Kokichi fanning his tongue with surprise. The Ultimate Supreme Leader looked so childlike and innocent.

As Kokichi gulped down the water, his eyes made contact with the concerned detective’s. He gave him a sheepish grin and reddened, “I should have known…”

Shuichi couldn’t help but let out a laugh, surprised at how strangely adorable Kokichi was acting.

“You have such a cute laugh, Shuichi!” Kokichi exclaimed, and then slapped a hand over his mouth, his face now entirely crimson.

“Th-thanks, Kokichi,” Shuichi decided to take the compliment in stride. After all, Kokichi couldn’t help it, and it was a rare instance where he knew Kokichi wasn’t secretly insulting him.

Kokichi placed the tray next to his bed and buried his face in his pillow.

I wasn’t even trying to say anything and that slipped out! The truth is getting harder and harder to contain! Why is this happening to me??

Kokichi felt his bed sink with pressure. He looked up to see that Shuichi had sat next to the sprawled boy. He placed a comforting hand on the boy’s upper back.

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Kokichi,” Shuichi said with a compassionate smile, “But can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to…”

Kokichi thought about it for a moment. Then slowly nodded.

“Well this disease is obviously very difficult for you. And I’m sure most people would hate it…I mean… not getting a say on whether you give a truthful, untruthful, or even partially true answer…would suck. But you’re really struggling, Kokichi. Why is it that you lie constantly? Do you hate the truth?”

Kokichi pondered, then slowly, logically, stated, “That’s more than one question.” He smirked at his ability to still give at least a partially sarcastic response.

Shuichi chuckled, “Then the first one then. Why is it that you lie constantly?”

Do I even know the answer to that question? I’m sure I did initially, but I’ve been lying to myself for so long that I don’t know if any answer I give would be a truly honest answer.

“To protect myself. Fear, insecurities, feelings… they all can be detrimental. But lies protect you. From enemies, friends… even yourself. Lying is my armor.” Kokichi left his mouth agape as the answer escaped his lips. He knew it was true even though he hadn’t been able to come up with it on his own.

Shuichi nodded in understanding, “Thank you for your honesty, Kokichi.”

Kokichi smiled. He tried to say no problem, but instead said, “I hadn’t even admitted that to myself before.”

I hate this stupid, goddamn disease!

The boy punched the pillow in frustration. Shuichi reached out instinctually and touched Kokichi’s forearm. The boy jerked away from the detective and glared.

“Oh I’m sorry!” Apologized the embarrassed detective, “I’ll l-let you get some rest…”

The boy quickly exited the room, assuming that the other was angry with him. As Shuichi closed the door, Kokichi’s face softened into a regretful frown, and he let a quiet word escape his lips.

“Stay…”

 ----------------

Kokichi awoke with a start. He tried to jump up, but then the previous day’s events hit him like a truck. Or that was possibly the feeling of his head pounding. The sick boy recalled the illness that had befallen the group of students, effecting him and Maki, at the very least. He also recalled the unusual interaction with Shuichi and his face flushed.

He probably thinks I hate him. Well… that’s actually a good thing for both of us. But still, it bothers me if I made him sad for no reason. And it pisses me off that it bothers me!

Thinking about that made Kokichi’s face turn an even darker shade of red. It was in that moment that he heard a knock at the door.

“Come in!” Kokichi silently groaned at how friendly his voice sounded.

Shuichi opened the door slowly, “You s-sound like you feel better.”

As he entered he saw Kokichi’s extremely red face and his eyes widened.

“Did your fever get worse?” He ran over and placed his hand on Kokichi’s forehead, “You feel really warm!”

He suddenly backed up several steps, “I’m sorry! I didn’t m-mean to invade your personal space. I was just w-worried.”

“I don’t mind it when it’s you, Shuichi.”

Great. Thanks despair disease. Wording my answer like some stupid school girl with a crush. Appreciate that.

Luckily for Kokichi, Shuichi didn’t read too much into it and just sighed in relief, “That’s good to hear,” he paused and presented an embarrassed smile, “I felt bad about yesterday, and came to apologize.”

“I wasn’t mad at you, I was irritated with the disease,” Kokichi sighed.

That wasn’t too bad. That was along the lines of what I actually wanted to say.

Shuichi smiled wider, “Oh good!” he then backtracked, “Oh not good that you were irritated! It sucks that you are dealing with the despair disease! But good that we’re… good!”

Kokichi smiled weakly as he listened to the nervous boy’s ramblings. His head pounded more intensely as ever, and before he knew it, he fell back into his pillow and fainted.

As he drifted into blackness, he heard the boy exclaim in nervous confusion. He replied to quell his fear, or at least he tried.

“You’re so cute…when you’re worried about…me.”

 ------------

Kokichi was pulled back to the land of the living when he felt a sudden cold sensation on his head.

“Ah!”

“Oh he’s awake. Splendid.”

Kokichi opened his eyes to Kirumi’s face in front of his own.

“Aww. You’re not Shuichi.” Kokichi face flared red as the words escaped his lips.

“Oh, I’m r-right here... Kokichi,” the detective pulled his hat in front of his face to hide his blush as he answered.

Kirumi seemed unfazed by the interaction, “Keep the cold washcloth on his forehead and change it every few hours. His fever has gone down a bit. Now I must go help tend to Angie. Himiko and Tenko are having a difficult time.”

Shuichi thanked her as she left.

“So it is spreading after all?” Kokichi asked, with genuine curiosity.

“Y-yeah.”

“Well you should go so that you don’t catch it,” Kokichi said matter-of-factly.

And so I don’t say anything embarrassing. Stupid, cute Shuichi. This is all his fault.

“Do you really want me to go?”

Kokichi shook his head yes while his mouth said, “No…I’d like you to stay- UGH!”

Kokichi covered his eyes with his forearm and with an exasperated sigh said, “I hate this place. You know that? I hate it so much. I just want to go home.”

Shuichi gave the small boy a caring look, “You always act like you’re enjoying the killing game. Being here. I guess it makes sense that that would be a lie.”

“Yeah. Who would ever want to play a game that you’re forced to play?” He sat up and pouted at Shuichi.

The sight made the detective grin, “Well, the good thing is that you look like you feel better than yesterday!”

Kokichi placed his hands behind his head and leaned against his headboard, “I do feel better. Still can’t lie though! Neeheehee”

It’s not as clever or eloquent as what I was going to say, but I’ll take it! As long as I don’t say anything else embarrassing about Shuichi, I should be good!

“It’s good to hear your laugh again, Kokichi,” Shuichi grinned, “Now can I do anything for you?”

Ugh his smile is so sexy. Ignore it. You’re hungry right? Ask for some soup, Kokichi.

“You can kiss me!” Kokichi exclaimed.

That is not soup! Oh my fucking God, that’s not soup at all. Fuck fuck fucking shit fuck-

Shuichi leaned over and placed his lips on the supreme leader’s own, blushing all the while. It was just a second long peck, and then the detective pulled away and quickly pulled down his hat lower than either one of them thought it could possibly go.

“W-why did you do that, Shuichi?” A bewildered Kokichi stuttered.

“…Well you did t-tell me to…” Shuichi replied.

Kokichi frowned, “That’s so not a good answer.”

“It just made m-me so happy.”

“What?” Kokichi looked up in surprise. He saw that Shuichi eyes were wide and honest.

“The d-disease. I was so thrilled that you would have to tell the truth, because I could finally figure out what you really thought of me. I like you, Kokichi. You’re…fascinating. And then when you told me to kiss you…but you probably didn’t even mean to. I’m such a selfish person. You’ve been suffering and I’ve been taking advantage of that. I just w-wanted to be around you.”

A single tear rolled down the boy’s face. Kokichi reached out and slowly removed the detective’s hat to discover a messy mop of navy hair underneath. He also finally got a full view of Shuichi’s eyes.

They’re beautiful. From under the hat they looked grey, but as the florescent light hit, they shone a strange mix of silver and gold.

Kokichi reached out and wiped away the tears flowing from those eyes. He then leaned over and kissed the shaking boy’s lips. It was gentle and warm, very unlike Kokichi’s regular demeanor.

Shuichi’s eyes widened and he kissed back. He broke it again and stammered, “B-but…”

“Shuichi. I am so happy you’re here. And I’m actually happy that I had to tell you the truth. But I’m happiest of all that you kissed me.”

I had no intention of being this honest with him. I had no intention of being honest with him in the slightest. But in this case, the truth…it wasn’t so bad.

Shuichi grinned and tackled the smaller boy.

“Ugh, I am still sick, ya know!”

The two giggled and Shuichi planted a kiss on the ultimate supreme leader.

[samethstarr]

Getting it together!

Something has come up that I feel a need to address out loud and has been weighing extremely heavy on me the last week or so. TLDR: I am dropping projects and commitments because I can’t manage grief in a healthy way. But I am ok. But damn.

tw for medical stuff, blood, depression, and weird metaphors.

I don’t remember this, but 8 years ago I enrolled myself in art school and moved to the city. Some time during my first semester, I got severely ill with a nerve problem. I lost the ability to use my hands, or even walk. Naturally, it is hard to do art school when you can’t hold a pencil, so I dropped out.

I thought I had gotten over it, but the recent push to improve my art has reminded me that I used to be really ambitious about it. I kinda resent that I lost that opportunity, even though it was never in my control. My therapist has told me multiple times that I need to stop with the art stuff and maybe find a new hobby that doesn’t trigger my emotions as much. Frustrating as hell. I am trying really hard, just a tough barrier to break through. “What ifs” aren’t real and I need to stop sitting on them. Imaginary things make shitty chairs.

Other stuff too:

December 10th I received the new that they would be stopping any further medical probing, I am beyond current medicine. While I have been able to walk unassisted for over a year now, and I am getting more steady at drawing, my medical condition has always been looming in the background. I am able to stay awake for a full day only with the aid of medication. My liver sometimes hurts for no reason. I still occasionally have issues eating.

I thought I was managing pretty well, keeping up my commitments with a smile, looking on the bright side, setting goals.

But really I was shoving my emotional baggage in the corner and painting a wholesome smile on it.

A pile of things has led me to crash, and the tipping point was a few days ago when I woke up covered in my own blood realized how sick I am of seeing it. Random intestinal bleeds, medical tests, IVs gone wrong, my teeth breaking from my jaw clenching, the dark bruises on my legs, the infections, the organ swelling. The reminder of how fragile I can be. 

But all this forced positivity has stopped me from really examining the reality of the situation, and it has prevented my from doing something really important.

I haven’t given myself the chance to mourn the person I wanted to be. My illness killed them and I can’t keep hauling their corpse around, they are kinda bloated and smell funny. Reality is reality. There are some things out of my reach and I need to stop telling myself that smiles and sunshine is what I need to get past this.

I didn’t just want to be an artist. I wanted to be a carpenter, I wanted to be a firefighter, I wanted go on hikes on all the beautiful trails. I wanted to go to conventions around the world. I wanted people to be inspired by me. Some of these are still possible, of course, but some aren’t realistic anymore and I need to let go.

Anyway, depressing stuff aside. I need to focus on moving on in a healthy manner now, addressing the issue head on. I have dropped most of my commitments at this point, including a lot of my volunteer duties and projects. I am no longer taking art commissions. I have deactivated some of my social media accounts. I am putting comic production aside for now, I have decided to limit my projects to a single long term personal project, which will be my fan fiction, Threadbound. I will likely pick up “My Onion” again after things stabilize, I am too far into the planning to just drop it and I am really enthusiastic about it.

My primary focus for now is me, and I am only sharing myself if I get something wholesome out of it. I am not sacrificing any more for anyone. I am going to get my house cleaned up. I am starting up with a fitness coach soon. Maybe I should get an unexpectedly wild haircut?  I am hoping this all will reduce the amount of stress I feel and make my life a little bit happier for me. A real, healthy positive energy flow will do me a lot of good.

And even though I have given up a lot of stuff in a short amount of time, I am proud of what I have done and what I have learned and I am happy to have met all the people I have met. None of it was a waste.

[manage-mischief]

The Negative

PART ONE

Read on AO3 here. 

Summary: Two-shot inspired by the song from “Waitress.” In which Tonks knows something’s wrong—she just doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Good thing Molly and Fleur are there to offer some support.

Author’s Note: This fic is inspired by the song from “Waitress,” the musical. If you haven’t heard it, definitely give it a listen. Some of the dialogue is included here. This work is focused on Tonks as a character, because she was really underdeveloped in the last book. Since we clearly saw Remus freak out when he found out about Teddy, this is me assuming that Tonks did, too. I tried to get the timeline right as best as possible. It’s a bit confusing in the Deathly Hallows, tbh. Anyways, here’s the story. Equal parts fluff and angst. I’m new to fanfic writing, so any kind feedback is appreciated! P.S. I refuse to write Fleur’s dialogue in that horrid French-style that JK used. I omitted her “h’s,” but that’s it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Waitress. What I do own is…nothing. I own nothing.

“Come now, poppet. It’s better to know,” Molly cooed as she rubbed Tonks’ back in slow, soothing circles.

“It is probably nothing,” Fleur nodded encouragingly.

Tonks withdrew her head from between her knees to glare at the Frenchwoman. It sure as hell wasn’t nothing.

The last few months of her life had been absolutely perfect. After a long and arduous battle, Tonks had finally dragged Remus down the aisle. Well…it was a lot more romantic than she made it sound. The couple had wed in a small, intimate ceremony earlier that summer. They both knew there was no stopping the impending darkness of war that was fast approaching, but nonetheless, had decided to spend whatever time they had left together: a massive “up yours” to Voldie and his goons.

True, life since their union had been a bit hectic. When they weren’t working undercover for the Order, they spent all of their time together in their bedroom—the only room in their small London flat that got any proper use. Undoubtedly, that’s how Tonks had ended up in her current predicament. After being late, followed by several days of morning sickness, she was fairly certain she was pregnant.

“Here, we have the test, we’ll soon find out. It will all be fine.” The kindly ginger handed her a cookie and a cup of tea.

Merlin bless Molly Weasley. After concluding that her illness may be more than a common stomach bug, Tonks had visited The Burrow straight away. She wasn’t exactly sure why. She could have gone to her parents’ place, both of whom would have been thrilled about their daughter’s growing family. Somehow, though, the prospect of going to her mum and dad with such news had terrified her. It made the situation more real. And Tonks was not ready to accept that any of this was really happening. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t want kids. In all honesty, she had never really thought about it. She still felt like a kid herself. Plus, with the current violence sweeping their world, now was certainly not the time to be thinking about new life. She had never even discussed the prospect of a family with Remus. But, she was sure that even if he did want children—something she slightly doubted, given his anxieties about his condition—he would agree that now was nowhere near the proper time to start a family. Oh Merlin. She hadn’t yet considered how Remus would react. Her nausea returned. She groaned and brought her head back between her knees.

“Oh my, is she going to be alright?” Fleur questioned Molly as if Tonks wasn’t there. “She looks like she is going to faint! Poor thing!”

“Maybe I’d feel better if I broke your nose,” Tonks growled.

“It must be the ‘ormones,” Fleur remarked, throwing a look of pity in Tonks’s direction. That did it. Tonks rose from her chair, fully intending to draw her wand and wipe that look off of the blonde’s pretty little face. Molly was quicker. She firmly placed herself in between the two younger witches.

“Alright now, let’s all calm down and let Tonks take her test.”

“Calm down? Calm down?!” Tonks was shaking. “How can I calm down! This is a bloody disaster! I’m… I’m not ready for any of this. Remus isn’t ready!” Her voice broke. She collapsed back into her chair. Merlin’s pants, she had never been so emotional before in her life! Perhaps Fleur had been right about the hormones.

Molly kneeled in front of the anxious witch and stroked her hair. “We don’t even know if there’s anything to panic about yet. Let’s not jump to conclusions.”

“So, you think there’s a chance I’m not pregnant?”

Molly pursed her lips. “Well there’s always a chance,” she replied, unconvincingly. “But you’ll feel better once you know for sure. Isn’t that right, Fleur? Don’t you think Tonks should take the test and find out?”

“Oh yes. It will be much better to know for sure. I ‘ope you drank enough of your tea. Apparently, this Muggle test requires you to pee on it! Quite odd!” Fleur cheerfully opened the little box containing the pregnancy test they had hastily picked up at the pharmacy in town. Tonks was hoping to avoid a trip to St. Mungo’s until she deemed it absolutely necessary. There were too many prying eyes at the hospital for her liking. Merlin forbid some loose-lipped colleague of hers spotted her in the Magical Maternity Ward…

She sat up properly. “Alright. What do I do with that thing?”

Molly walked across the small kitchen to Fleur’s side. “Read us the instructions, Fleur. What does the box say?”

“’N’insérez pas le bâton dans vôtre…’”

“English, Fleur!”

“’Do not insert the test stick into your vagina.’”

Molly rolled her eyes, exasperated. “Wow! Thank you, Fleur!”

“I am sorry. That is obvious…I am getting nervous!”

“You’re getting nervous?” Tonks wasn’t sure she had made the right decision by coming to Molly’s after all.

At least all of the antics allowed for a momentary distraction. She joined the Weasley women on the other side of the kitchen. “Fine. Gimme the damn stick!” She yanked it from Fleur’s hands and headed for the loo, slamming the door behind her.

Sitting down on the toilet, she stared at the small object in her hands. What would this mean for her marriage? Was a kid really something she was ready to handle? She was snapped out of the beginnings of what would have been the day’s fifty-seventh panic attack by the sound of scuffling outside the bathroom door.

“I cannot ‘ear peeing. ‘As she done it yet?”

“Shhhh, give her some privacy! She’s clearly terrified, poor thing. Why, I remember when I found out about Bill…”

Oh, for the love of…

“I can hear you, you know!” Tonks shouted. The whispering stopped. Footsteps quickly retreated from the door. After a few more moments of existential crisis, she finally took the test.

Tonks emerged from the loo and found her companions sitting inconspicuously at the table. Molly was staring blankly at a copy of Witch Weekly, while Fleur was holding the latest issue of The Daily Prophet, whistling. Both were failing miserably in their attempts to act casual. Fleur peeked her head out above the paper. “Oh, are you finished? I ‘ave been reading the news this whole time. I did not notice. Did you know Rita Skeeter is writing a book about Dumbledore?”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “Fascinating. So, how do I find out the results?” She shook the stick, which she had wrapped in toilet paper, as it was now covered in her pee. She wrinkled her nose. Did Muggles really live like this?

Fleur dug the paper instructions out of the empty cardboard box. “You will ‘ave to wait three minutes, and then lines will appear. One line means it is negative and two means it is positive.”

“Well, let’s focus on the negative, shall we?” Tonks sarcastically quipped, flopping down beside Molly at the table. She picked up The Daily Prophet that Fleur had been pretending to read and immediately regretted it. The headlines stood out in thick, black ink as she flipped through the pages.

Five Wizards Killed in Mystery Attack

The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore: Rita Skeeter Reports

Dolores Umbridge Continues Crusade Against Half-Breeds, Muggle-Borns

She hastily crumpled up the newspaper and tossed it into the hearth. Molly and Fleur stared at her, surprised.

“Piece of rubbish, anyways,” Tonks whispered. In reality, she had been frightened. Too many horrible things were happening in the world, and the thought of bringing a child into being at such a time felt extremely irresponsible. “How long has it been?”

“Thirty-six seconds.”

“Dammit.”

“Thirty-eight seconds…”

“Okay!”

“Thirty-nine…”

“Let’s change the subject, shall we?” Molly came to the rescue, yet again. “Fleur how is construction on the cottage going?”

“Oh, it is quite wonderful! Bill ‘as been marvelous. ‘E ‘as built it so our room overlooks the sea. It is very beautiful. I cannot wait to move in for real. And I am sure you will be glad when we are out of your ‘air, Molly.”

“Oh, no, I will miss you both dearly,” Molly assured her daughter-in-law, though the hint of excitement in her words betrayed her. Though the two women had got on much better since Bill’s attack, their very different personalities often clashed. It was probably best for the both of them to get some distance.

Tonks’s leg was bouncing up and down at the table as she fruitlessly attempted to take her mind off of the time that seemed to be moving cursedly slow. “How long has it been, now?”

“One minute and twenty-three seconds.”

Tonks groaned impatiently. “How’d I ever get myself into this mess?”

“Well, did you not use protection? I thought you and Remus were very careful about that sort of thing,” Fleur innocently questioned. She immediately winced, and Tonks was quite sure that Molly had kicked the girl underneath the table.

The Auror felt her face flush. “Well, he got me drunk,” she replied, defensively. “I do stupid things when I drink…”

“Stupid things, like sleep with your ‘usband?” Fleur giggled. The girl was ballsy, Tonks had to give her credit. If she hadn’t been filled with crippling anxiety, she would have appreciated Fleur’s positivity and wit.

Molly suppressed a laugh. “Focus, Fleur. We’re trying to take Tonks’s mind off of her… predicament.” Molly chose her words carefully. “Remember. We’re focusing on the negative!” She smiled optimistically at the metamorphmagus.

“Well, the test could be negative. What if…maybe, ah, what is the expression…maybe Remus’s wand does not cast any spells…if you know what I mean. That would be lucky!”

The other two women choked. Tea spurted out of Tonks’s nose. Molly huffed. “Oh yes, miraculously lucky, to get away with an unprotected f—“

“Funny how one night can ruin your entire life,” Tonks lamented. How she was going to survive this last minute, she didn’t know. Fighting Death Eaters was less nerve-wracking.

“Just, calm down, goddammit!” Molly snapped, clearly getting anxious herself. There was only so much complaining the mother of seven could take. “Let’s all just pull ourselves together! Now,” she chided.  

The three women sat in silence, shocked by Molly’s outburst. Tonks had the unshakable feeling of having been scolded by her mother. She gazed at her hands shamefully, picking at her fingernails until Fleur spoke once more. “The test should be finished.”

Tonks’s heart flip-flopped in her chest. “I can’t look. One of you do it.”

Fleur eagerly reached for the test, but Molly held her back. Her face was stern. “You can, and you will, Tonks. It will all be alright.” Her eyes softened.

“It was only one night,” Fleur added. That did nothing to assuage Tonks’s fears. She could hear the seconds ticking by on the clock. Her stomach was in knots. But, she knew that they were right. She had to find out the truth. Whatever the result.

“One line. One line,” she chanted to herself. Fleur nodded encouragingly. Molly remained still, her face unreadable.

Tonks picked up the test, carefully unwrapping it, as if it were a Hippogriff that would attack if she approached it too quickly. “This is it.”

She turned the stick over in her hands, only vaguely disgusted by the fact that she had peed on it not five minutes earlier.

“Shit.”

[slutforgoodliterature]

Bucky Barnes x Reader - Mischief Managed (barely)

Prompt: You and your boyfriend Bucky are sick of all the team meetings Steve keeps dragging you into. He finds a fun way to pass the time, and you are at the brunt of said fun. 

Warnings: vaginal fingering, public

“I refuse to believe Steve has called yet another team meeting.” You grumble. Bucky shakes his head at you, completely exasperated as well. 

“I know, Y/N, but we gotta go. Can’t let Cap down.” He sends you a small smile, reaching out a hand for you to grab so he can pull you off the bed, where you currently are curled up in a heap. “I mean if we don’t turn up, who is?” He tacks on, and you have to agree with him. 

As much as you love Steve, the guy can be a bit overbearing. 

Sighing, you allow your boyfriend to drag you off the bed. “Fine,” you huff, “but I want to make it clear I am going against my will.” He smirks at you and swiftly tickles the skin of your stomach that appears as you are pulling on a jumper. His jumper, to be exact.

Squealing, you grab his hand before yanking it behind his arm, twisting him into submission.  

“Ok, ok! No more tickling.” He chuckles, and you shove him hard as you let go just so he gets the message.

“Try it again, and you’re sleeping on the floor, Barnes.” You warn him. 

Tickles are not a game.

As you exit your room, he has to rotate his metal arm in his shoulder socket to put it back into place, and you feel a little guilty.

“Jeez, you really did a number on me in there, didn’t ya, doll?” He jokes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so rough. I just hate tickling, you know that.” You apologise, gripping his hand tightly. He squeezes back. 

“I also know you like it rough, so no need to apologise, princess.” He murmurs back, his head ducked into your ear, and you blush hard. 

“Pipe down, soldier. We wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of all your friends.” You mumble back, but warmth is already pooling in your lower stomach.

“Mm, you’re right. We really wouldn’t want that.” He hums, but you can see there’s a mischevious glint in his eyes.

“Nuh-uh. I know that look.” You poke his chest playfully. “What are you up to?” You demand, drawing him to a stop just outside the door to the conference room, where all your fellow Avengers are waiting. 

He simply raises an eyebrow, looking at you innocently. “No idea what you’re on about, dollface.” 

You don’t believe him, not one bit, but you allow him to lead you into the room anyway.

You definitely should’ve known better.

“Bucky, Y/N. Glad to see you two could make it.” Steve nods at you both as you take seats at the far end of the table, next to Nat and across from Bruce and Sam, who has his feet propped up on the table and a hat tilted over his face. He is definitely asleep. 

Bucky sends his chair a kick from under the table, causing him to jerk awake with a yelp.

“Who did that?” He demands, scouring the room until he catches Bucky’s barely concealed snicker. 

“Watch it, Tin Man.” Sam threatens, to which Bucky rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest menacingly, but you couldn’t help admire the way the fabric of his shirt stretched across his pecs. 

Did it get hotter in here, or is that just you? 

“Or what, Big Bird?”

Sam opens his mouth to retort but Steve butts in, shutting it down.

“Enough, you two!” He massages the bridge of his nose, looking every bit the tired mother he is. “If I wanted to babysit, I would’ve invited Queens.” Both Sam and Bucky shoot each other a final look before Bucky shifts his chair closer to you, facing away from Sam. 

“God, you’re gonna give the poor guy an aneurysm.” You whisper to Bucky, the two of you laughing quietly to each other as you watch Steve attempt to use the complicated technology of Stark Tower. 

“Either that or his pen is gonna snap.” Bucky points out the tight grip Steve has on a pen, that really does look like it’s in imminent danger, and you can’t help but giggle. 

“Barnes. Y/L/N. Shut up.” Tony’s voice rings out, sending you two a half-hearted glare. 

“Sorry, dad.” You smile back, ignoring Steves exasperated sigh. 

“Moving on...” He stresses, gesturing back to the blueprints of some Hydra facility you were planning on breaking into. 

You try to zone in, you really do, but all of a sudden Bucky’s hand is sliding up your thigh and omg is he serious right now?!

“Bucky!” You whisper hiss at him, gripping his metal wrist with your hand. “What the fuck are you playing at?”

“More like who.” He smirks as he whispers to you under his breath. He captures your intense gaze as his arm continues his way up your leg, the inhuman strength of his metal arm no match for you.

And let’s be honest, you aren’t exactly trying all that hard to stop him. 

“Eyes front, Barnes.” Steve orders, tearing Bucky’s gaze away from your flushed cheeks.

“Sir, yes sir.” He sends a mock salute to Steve, who rolls his eyes at his best friend. 

“Y/N, you all good down there?” Wanda asks, ever concerned. You’re about to tell her that yes, you are just dandy, when Bucky's hand cups your core. You suck in a harsh breath and have to stop yourself from nearly jumping out of your seat. 

“She’s fine, just ate some bad prawns at lunch,” Bucky reassures Wanda, who is stilling looking for you to reassure her. You nod at her, sending her a thankful smile, which finally puts her at ease and draws attention away from you and your conniving boyfriend. 

“Prawns?” You hiss, clenching your thighs together as his hand slowly rubs you through your gym leggings, which are very thin, mind you. 

“Shh,” he shushes you, “only you and I know that it wasn’t prawns you had in your mouth at lunch.” He smirks evilly at you before applying more pressure to his wandering hand.

A hell of a lot more pressure. Holy fuckkkk...

“You...you...sonuvabitch.” You swear under your breath, and all of a sudden you notice your hand is no longer pushing him away, but gripping his wrist tightly; pulling him closer. 

“Language, Cap might hear you.” He looks casually back up to Steve, who hasn’t noticed a damn thing. Neither has the rest of the table, for which you thank your lucky stars. “I’m sure he wouldn’t like to hear those words come out of such a pretty mouth. But I guess that mouth of yours can also-”

“Oh shut up, Barnes.” You groan, your eyes fluttering closed as his fingers begin paying special attention to a certain bundle of nerves. 

“You havin’ fun, princess?” His breath fans across your face. “You like having me touch you like that?”

“Bucky, I swear to god...” You curse, bringing everybody’s eyes back on you two. 

“Woah, Y/N, you really don’t look well,” Bruce says in a worried tone. Murmurs of agreement sound throughout the whole room. 

“You’re right, I am feeling kinda ill...” You agree, fanning your face for effect. Bucky rolls his eyes, which you catch out of the corner of your eye, and increases the speed and pressure of his fingers, making your eyes bulge. “I think I should go-” 

The knot in the pit of your stomach is building steadily, and you can feel an intense orgasm rushing towards you. 

“Can you just wait two more minutes, Y/N?” Tony asks, annoyed that you have yet again interrupted the meeting. “We’re almost done here. Unless you’re gonna spew of course, then, by all means, take it outside. I do not want you ruining my carpet.” 

“She’ll be fine. You can hold on a couple more minutes, can’t you, babe?” Bucky replies before you have the chance to, challenging you with his eyes. 

Always a sucker for a challenge, you find yourself nodding. 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be fine.” You assure everyone, gesturing to Tony and Steve to continue with the plans. 

“Brilliant. So after Wanda and Vision intercept group C here...” Steves' voice trails off in your head as you are completely consumed by the sensations Bucky is causing you at the moment. 

“Fuck...Bucky, baby, I don’t know how much longer...” your breath is now coming out in harsh pants, your almost legs trembling with pleasure. His fingers continue working you, circling and tapping and overall just driving you absolutely insane. 

“You’re loving this, aren’t ya, doll? My filthy girl.” You can hear the smirk in his voice, how he loves that he can dissolve you into a panting, trembling mess with just his fingers. “I’m gonna make you cum, and I haven’t even touched you yet, not really.”

He began to push his fingers into your clit, hard, and keep them circling there. You let out a litany of swears under your breath. “So close, James. Fuck...” 

“Come on, princess. Let go. Cum for me in front of everyone.” His gruff voice sends you over the edge. 

As your orgasm crashes through you, you have to bite down on your knuckles to contain your moans. Bucky’s fingers continue their torturous pressure, rising you through the throes of pleasure until your body is twitching and your other hand scrabbles at his, attempting to push it away from you. 

“Jeez, what’s up with you, girly?” Sam asks, concerned, and you open your eyes to realise that everyone is staring at you and Bucky. You face is completely flushed and his hand is not-so-inconspicuously placed between your legs. 

Bucky seems to have also forgotten your audience, as his eyes slowly focus, coming out of a daze. He presses a quick kiss to your forehead and removes his hand, gripping your thigh softly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles. 

“Sorry, I just thought tickling her would make her feel better.” He covers smoothly, and squeezes your thigh, making your knee jump and hit the table as you let out a yelp. “Who would’ve thought she hates tickles that much, eh?” He smiles innocently at everyone, who seems to buy his lie with rolled eyes and snickers. 

“Well, we’re finished here, did you get all that?” Steve addresses everyone and receives a few ‘yes sirs’ here and there along with a couple of thumbs up. 

“We’re finished here as well, aren’t we, dollface?” Bucky whispers to you, drawing a tired smile from you. 

“Just you wait, Barnes. Karma’s a bitch.” You pat him playfully on the cheek before sashaying out of the room, feeling his eyes burn into you as you swayed your hips teasingly. 

You couldn’t wait to get him back for that. 

[creative-type]

I recently read Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn on recommendation from a friend. Finished it in about a day, and have had it stuck in my head ever since. Not because I liked it -- quite the opposite, in fact -- but after finishing the last pages of the epilogue and setting the book down never to be revisited again, I had to ask myself a question:

Is it possible to read a book incorrectly? And if so, did I?

Spoilers and musings beyond the cut. Fair warning, Sharp Objects is a fairly dark book that covers some pretty heavy issues including cutting and abuse. Consider yourself warned

To start out with, I’m not a huge fan of death of the author. I do think the reader of a text has to take the effort to try and figure out what the author is trying to tell them. Consideration should be made for the time and place the work was written, the prevailing culture, and so on and so forth. A historical romance written today isn’t going to ever replicate completely the style of Jane Austin because the authors are drawing from two completely different frames of reference. Culture changes. Languages changes. How we tell stories changes. 

(Note: Not saying death of the author is inherently bad. It is just one of many systems of interpretation, and like every other system has its benefits and limitations. My hackles only raise when it becomes the only system of interpretation, as if it were intrinsically more valuable and valid than the rest /rant)

That being said, I think an author can be very subtle with the message they’re trying to send, or purposefully leave that message open to interpretation. And sometimes...sometimes sometimes the signals get crossed along the way, and the message that was intended never reaches the reader.

Which brings me to the point of this rambling mess of an analysis. I found Sharp Objects to be a dreary slog of a book. I knew it was dark going into the story, but there’s no levity inter-spaced between the overwhelming negativity to act as a reprieve between the elements of horror and tragedy. It has a very bleak opinion on the human condition in general and the small town the story takes place in particular. The ‘small town with a dark secret’ and the ‘family with a dark secret’ tropes are well-worn and familiar fodder for stories like these, but if I hadn’t read the author’s note at the end I would have thought that Flynn had never actually spent time in small-town America because it clashed so hard with my experience growing up in rural Iowa, the disconnect taking me out of the setting pretty early on. 

I’m sure some people enjoy this kind of storytelling -- and apparently enough did that they turned it into an HBO mini series -- but it’s not my cup of tea. Maybe it’s my small-town roots showing, but I was almost offended by the picture Flynn painted of the fictional town of Wind Gap. I can handle darkness, but not page after page, after stinking page of unlikable, mean-spirited bickering and backbiting. 

The mystery itself sparked enough curiosity to keep me engaged, but I’d pretty much figured out whodunit midway through the book on genre conventions alone. I figured about the fifth time someone remarked that the killer had to have been a man that it was probably going to be a woman, and was instantly suspicious that the main character’s sister’s illness was never named. 

About the same time I more or less knew who the killers likely were, I began to wonder if I was reading the book wrong. I was struck by how well-written the prose was, with several vivid descriptions helping carry me along even if I didn’t particularly like what was being described. The main character, a middling journalist named Camille, starts the book as a former cutter and current alcoholic, and her mental state goes downhill from there. At one point she takes Ecstasy with her (I think?) thirteen year old half-sister (who, along with their mother, never felt like an actually character to me and more like a collection of bizarre traits and behaviors smooshed together in the semblance of a human being. Like I said, there’s never really any doubt who the killers are) and later on has sex with a barely eighteen year old boy who happens to be the prime murder suspect. She’s in such a messed up state that she thinks the best way to make up for this lapse of judgement is to try and give a blow job to the lead detective of the case while they’re sitting in the police station. 

You know, as you do.

What made me think this way was the fact that the book’s written in the first person. I thought, if only for a moment, that perhaps we the reader was being led on by Camille’s own prejudice. It’s no secret that she hateed her hometown and the people she grew up with, and would rather leave her past behind than face the trauma she endured head on. No wonder she’s describing the sky before a rainstorm as the color of piss, or that she takes the time to mention a floating pube in the bath of a hotel on the way to Wind Gap. Of course all of her mother’s friend’s are equally as horrible as her mother, or that the girls she knew in high school would grow up to be just as shallow and vain. It made sense that she would describe the siblings of one of the victims as a fat, tantrum throwing girl and another as a dullard of a boy who would never amount to anything. A stubbornly pessimistic, barely functioning, disaster of a human being would see the negative in everything everywhere she went. 

All at once everything clicked into place, and I felt like the author and I were on the same wavelength. By the time I got three-quarters of the way through the book I could see it going one of two ways: 1) Camille would somehow be proven wrong about her assumptions and prejudices, which would in turn kick start some character development or 2) Camille would be right, and Wind Gap would be proven to be just as horrible as she already thought it was. I figured if that second option was taken it was likely for the story to have a somber, even tragic ending, as the weight of all these terrible secrets and pain broke our lead character completely. 

That’s...not what happened, and in strange display of pacing the true killer is only revealed during the epilogue (side note, I thought the reveal of where all the teeth were hidden was one of the best twists in the whole story). To be honest, it felt like the author tried to cram an entire sequel into the last 10 pages of the story, but long story short, Mama killed Camille’s sister during their childhood, but it was Baby Half Sister who did the present-day murders. After this stunning turn of events, Camille finds a knife and gives into the temptation she’d been fighting for the whole damn book, mutilating the one bit of unmarred skin she has left and the implication that she would have killed herself had someone not stopped her in time.

Ah, I thought to myself, tragedy it is. Not my favorite, but I could see how the author got from Point A to Point B and you could take a somber message about how the effect the environment a person is raised in affects them for the rest of their lives. 

If the book ended there I would have been fine with it. I still wouldn’t have liked it, but it would have made perfect sense. Instead we get this last little bit to tie all the loose ends neatly in a bow. Note this ending comes immediately after the relapse into self-mutilation, which itself burst onto the scene with very little warning and was over after one paragraph:

Curry and Eileen packed my things and took me into their home, where I have a bed and some space in what was once a basement rec room. All sharp objects have been locked up, but I haven’t tried too hard to get at them,

I am learning to be cared for. I am learning to be parented. I’ve returned to my childhood, the scene of the crime. Eileen and Curry wake me in the mornings and put me to bed with kisses (or in Curry’s case, a gentle chuck under the chin). I drink nothing stronger than the grap soda Curry favors. Eileen runs my bath and sometimes brushes my hair. It doesn’t give me chills, and we consider this a good sign. 

It is almost May 12, one year exactly from my return to Wind Gap. The date also happens to be Mother’s Day this year. Clever. Sometimes I think about that night caring for Amma, and how good I was at soothing her and calming her. I have dreams of washing Amma and drying her brow. I wake with my stomach turning and a sweaty upper lip. Was I good at caring for Amma because of kindness? Or did I like caring for Amma because I have Adora’s sickness? I waver between the two, especially at night, when my skin begins to pulse. 

Lately, I’ve been leaning toward kindness.

When I read that last sentence, the gears in head ground to an abrupt halt, and I immediately disconnected entirely from the story. Camille had spent the majority of this book being anything but kind. The only instance I can see that might fit into this characterization is an off-hand reference in the first chapter that her boss (the Curry mentioned here) thinks she’s too soft in her writing. 

I don’t know why these last paragraphs exist in this story. For all I know, the author couldn’t think of a way to finish the book and defaulted to a last-minute happy-ish ending. It is, after all, her debut novel. Hell, maybe it had been added at the insistence of her editor, or some other outside influence. 

Or maybe I’m just missing something. 

Death of the author demands that I, the reader, create my own meaning, but I simply can’t. Neither of the two readings I saw the potential for are supported by the text, and I find myself wandering back again and again to the matter of authorial intent. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out what the author’s trying to say. Either the story is too bleak to justify this...if not redemption, then healing for the main character, or the ending is too positive for the harsh and terrible world the author has gone through such pains to describe. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

There is a third option: That even though the world is just as terrible and awful as you thought it was, recovery is still possible. It seems to be what that last page implies, but this is the weakest reading of all, if only because it doesn’t have time to develop. Three paragraphs does not a character arc make, and Camille spent too much time moping around being miserable to even consider the possibility of closure.

I think this might have been what the author was going for. It fits well with the metanarriative of the mystery itself. But if so, it’s a message poorly communicated, and even now I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take from the book.  

Again, on a technical level it’s very well-written, and undoubtedly I’m putting too much thought into what’s otherwise a generic murder mystery.  But I also think it’s important for the author’s voice to be heard in their work, even if that message gets a little muddled along the way. 

[thealphabetmurders]

Soon To Be

(Previous) (Next)

Chapter 4: The Kids Aren’t Alright

Pairings: Analogical and Royality

Word Count: 1951 (chapter), 9295 (full)

Summary: Everyone had their vices nowadays. Information and ideas are conveyed too fast and quickly for anyone to stay sane without a little outside help. There are healthier coping mechanisms than others, some more effective than not, and Virgil has tried pretty much them all, and he has more shit to deal with than most. So whilst many found solace in sex, Smirnoff, and santa marta, Virgil was still smoking in 2019.

Triggers: Talk of self doubt, smoking, crying

Authors Note: I am suffering right now so I am going to make my characters suffer as well.

(Read on AO3)

“When you sat down on your lunch break with me, you ate a quarter of your sandwich and then put it back down because you ‘were not hungry’, despite not eating all day. According to Healthline, smoking can suppress your appetite can be suppressed while smoking by decreasing your sense of taste which can make eating less enjoyable. Once you stop smoking, you are more likely to be able to taste food fully again.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“I want you to live a long healthy life Virgil, however smoking exponentially increases your chance of lung cancer, according to the CDC, the Mayo Clinic, and every other health source in the world. Nevertheless, second hand smoke can be just as dangerous for others around you whether that be a roommate, or friend, or…. partner (?), and I am sure you would not want to hurt them.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“You came into work today even though you looked as if you had the Black Plague. Thankfully I came in just to see you (and Roman, I suppose), and did not order any food. This can be helped by quitting smoking, because your immune system lowers your ability to fight off infections because of smoking; these illnesses mainly consist of represtory tracts, though they are often times more susceptible to the common cold as well. I hate to see you unwell, I hope you are feeling better when I see you tomorrow.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

Virgil was having a weird day. He was only a couple hours into his shift and he already wanted to throw himself out of a window.

Firstly, his interaction with Patton as he was leaving was… Odd, to say the least. Normally his older roommate would love nothing more than to get him to stay and talk about anything and everything he wanted, almost causing Virgil to be late on some days.

However today, it seemed like he could not get him out the door fast enough.

“No, yea, I made you an egg and cheese sandwich for you to eat on your walk to work, I even added mustard, ‘cause I know you like it,” Patton hastily talked to Virgil as he was throwing said man’s lunch into a bag, very haphazardly.

“Can’t I just eat it here��?” Virgil asked at Patton laughed in a way that made Virgil cringe.

“No way, silly goose! If you do that you could be late again, what would you do without a job?” Patton beamed and Virgil half-chuckled weakly.

“Are you okay, Pat? You seem a bit… Off?”

Patton sighed and for a split second it looked as though he was going to say something, but changed his mind by shaking his head and smiling, “Nothing is wrong, just in a good mood today,”

Virgil frowned, but dropped the subject, “Okay… Oh, can I borrow your phone charger today, mine broke,” Patton nodded, shifting a bit where he stood, “Oh great, I will go grab it-”

“NO!” Patton yelled, making Virgil jump. “I mean, uh,” Patton cleared his throat, “No, I will go get it, my room is a mess,”

The shorter man practically threw the charger at Virgil and pushed him out the door. It was only halfway down the stairs that he realised he had forgotten his sandwich.

Virgil decided to forgo breakfast today.

Next, Roman had called in sick, which was odd seeing as he had just gotten sick not 3 weeks ago and rarely ever called into work. Virgil had to deal with his dramatics on the phone, something about “there is no cure” and “this may be the last you ever hear from me”, with the phone call inevitably ending with a short “see you tomorrow, V”.

Now, Virgil was walking on eggshells because he had to work with the owner of the company, Nelly. Nelly is a very rich manipulative boss who is very good at customer service but is terrifying. She also owns 5 different businesses, not including Marx, so she is rarely ever there, making the situation all the more anxiety inducing.

She also chain smokes like no other, so Virgil had been waiting almost 5 hours before being able to go outside to break, so he was a bit testy at this point.

He began thinking about Patton and how weird he was today, like he was hiding something from Virgil. He took any other drag of his cigarette and reasoned that his birthday was coming up relatively soon, so maybe he was planning something. Then again, his anxiety is telling him Patton is finally sick of his bullshit and just wants him away. But Patton loves everyone? What could be going on him? Why-

“Why are we always meeting like this?”

The cool as ice tone brought Virgil out of his daydream as the patio door opened and the imposing figure from his dreams walked through the door. Logan has since then forwent the bandage and just let the wound on his face air, but has clearly not learned his lesson on carrying four too many objects under one arm. Logan set down his stuff and Virgil blew the smoke quickly out of his mouth.

“We have met like 5 times, Logan,”

He quirked up an eyebrow, “And you are always smoking. Does that not constitute always if it is only a few?” Virgil shrugged as Logan opened a patio umbrella on the gorgeous April day, “A synonym for always is consistently, y’know,” Virgil chose not to respond again as he took another draw of his mostly lit cigarette. Normally he would want to engage in conversation, but his temper and plight towards his working situation today was nothing that nicotine or attractive men could sedate.

Logan pulled out his papers and laptop, turning it up to full brightness, and began writing notes  from a box of text Virgil couldn’t make out.

“I thought you were only here at night,” Virgil asked, seemingly uninterested.

The med student merely shrugged, never turning to face Virgil (whose was facing his back), “I was incentivized to come here today, for some reason,”

Virgil huffed, “Does it have anything to do with the little notes you have been leaving me?”

Virgil could only see the back of Logan’s head at this point, but he could tell he was grinning; his posture got a tad more loosened, his back muscles relaxed, he stopped typing, most likely to laugh in spite of himself. He move his right arm to his face, and the legs of his black frames adjusted more onto his ears.

“I was wondering if you had gotten those,” Logan took a deep breath of air in through his nose and tsked multiple times before returning to typing, “And it is evident you have not compartmentalized my fact yet,”

Virgil was tempted to throw his quartet lit cigarette at the back of Logan’s black locks, but opted for furiously crushing it under his foot instead, “Don’t give me that crap, Doctor Arias-”

“Soon-to-be, Doctor Ari-,” Logan corrected.

“Whatever,” Virgil threw his hands in the air frustrated and put them in his hoodie pockets, “You saw me smoking when you came out here, you didn’t not smell it in the air,” Virgil scoffed and put one foot against the wall, “The only thing I smell out here is your bullshit,”

Logan stopped typing and sighed, turning around to face Virgil for the first time in their conversation, “I apologise. From our previous interactions, your vernacular was quite sardonic and witty, so I thought you would appreciate a friendly repartee while also learning about the dangers of smoking. I was only trying to help.”

Virgil twisted his shoe that was suffocating the cigarette making the tobacco and paper spill all over the patio and under his shoe. He pulled on the loose threads of his jacket, setting his jaw and not wanting to look at Logan,the med student had barely talked to him today but was currently tap dancing on everyone single one of his nerves.

“Thanks for trying to help, but no thanks, Logan,” Virgil hissed at Logan, still not meeting his gaze, “I am not a fucking charity case, okay? I don’t need help from you or from any of your preppy doctor friends,”

“Soon-to-be doctor,” Logan muttered, and Virgil glared at him. Logan was looking down at his shoes.

“There are 35 million other Americans who smoke that are not me, so find someone else to be your little charity case or pet project-”

“Wait no. Virgil, please, you’re not just-” Logan started, but Virgil steamrolled over him.

“Okay? Because I don’t need anyone to fucking save me. I have been smoking for twice as long as you have been in your doctor program,” Virgil pulled his hand out of his pocket and held up a two in Logan’s direction, “I think I know a little more than you. I am not an experiment or an autopsy you can just pick the brain of. I don’t want your help,”

And with that, Virgil swung open the patio door, and closed it with enough force to shatter the glass it was made out of.

--

Virgil was still angry. He was angry with customers for being physically incapable of reading, angry with Nelly for scolding him about turn times during a rush when for half of that she was in the back on her phone, angry with Roman for calling in sick and forcing him to work with one of the teenagers for the last 3 hours of his shift, angry with Logan for trying to get him to quite smoking and being so damn nice and good and attractive, and angry with himself for being just an unfiltered moron. Virgil has never been good at controlling his temper.

Virgil was wiping down tables and just had a few odd jobs to do before he could go home and finally get started on his project. Virgil loved graphic design, he really did, and muses for his final come in odd places.

He saw that he just needed to take all the garbage cans out and then he could go home. Virgil went around to the three big cans in the store and only one was over halfway full. He changed that then went to change the smaller cans (near the creamer cart and outside). The creamer cart can was good and so was the outside trash can, he could tell that without even having to go outside.

However, Virgil looked down and saw the remnants of his fit of anger. The tobacco looked like sawdust spreading out over the patio like a graveyard of broken hearts. He groaned, knowing a metaphor like that means he has to go clean it up a bit.

Grabbing the broom and dustpan, Virgil opened the doors and took in the still April air; the weather is always the best right at sundown. The thought reminded him of the time he spent with Logan just at sunset a few nights ago. The coffee on his breath, the soft look of his lips…

Virgil shook those thoughts out of his head and swept the patio; it was quite nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of customers before he leaves. Just as he swept up the last scrap of paper, he sees something that looks oh too familiar to Virgil.

He creeps over to the table, an animal stalking his prey, and stares at the napkin on the table with a pen on top of it. Virgil looks around him quickly, well aware no one is watching, then snatches up the napkin (a bit too eager, he may add).

“Virgil, you are not experiment to me. I try to help because I care. I apologise for overstepping, though. If you do wish to communicate further, hand my pen back to me when I visit next. If not, just keep it (or throw it away). I do enjoy your company. You have become incredibly important to me in the short time we have known one another.

You did seem quite upset today, though. Research into smoking and stress has shown that instead of helping people to relax, smoking actually increases anxiety and tension. Nicotine creates an immediate sense of relaxation so people smoke in the belief that it reduces stress and anxiety. This feeling of relaxation is temporary and soon gives way to withdrawal symptoms and increased cravings. Smoking reduces nicotine withdrawal symptoms, which are similar to the symptoms of anxiety, but it does not reduce anxiety or deal with the underlying causes. Let me know if I can help you in any way. I care a lot about you, V.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist

Virgil reads the notes 5 times. Then once more for good measure. He pockets the note with the others in his wallet. He cannot stop blushing if he tried.

*****

“You’re good to go Virgil- Oi, why is your face so red? You gettin’ sick too?”

Virgil tripped out the door, holding his wallet in his hand, “Uh probably! Bye Nelly! See ya later!”

[freckledbabysbf-blog]

11 Questions Tag!!

(or more like i’ve been tagged 7 times and im just gonna answer all of them)

Basically, you have to answer these 11 questions, create 11 new ones and then tag 11 people to answer your questions!

thank you neha for tagging me! @3rachaa

1) which stray kids member would you want as your best friend?

honestly?? probably either felix, seungmin or changbin. i think felix would probably bring out good sides of me, seungmin and i could be soft together and changbin and i are just lowkey the same person so

2) who’s your ult bias and why?

i dont even know at this point, i have like 5 tbh. its ncts mark, because he got me back into kpop because idk i just thought hes really inspirational and shit. then theres seventeens the8 because honestly he just snatched me and damn im lowkey in love with him ngl and hes so talented and god damn beautiful i just cant. then theres ma boy v, aka kim taehyung aka the guy that has had me smitten since 2014 and i just love him because damn his voice and hes so adorable and just damn. also im a hoe its also suga because ngl hes like exactly my type and hes so damn admirable and just i dont even know how could i not love him? And last but not least our boy felix somehow did it and im not sure how but he did it and im still confused

3) how’s your day been?

im really sick but except that today was a chill day, i had a 5hour nap and basically couldnt talk all day so

4) what’s something that you’re excited about?

honestly? my best friend and i have a tradition of staying on my step dads farm in between christmas and new year every year and this year my other best friend is joining us and im super exited for that

5) how’d you discover stray kids? what was your initial impression of them?

i saw the teaser of the hellevator mv and was like, damn jyp u got a new group ready to snatch me?

6) ice cream or cake?

questionable because i dont eat either bc it most of the time isnt vegan but probably ice cream

7) what’s your fave food?

i have no favorite food tbh

8) favorite ice cream flavor?

idk proably hazelnut ig

9) what’s your ult group? why do you love them?

the same as with ub, its in between nct, seventeen, bts and now also stray kids and right now id say my main focus is stray kids? i just love them

10) what’s your role in the fandom? (ex. parent, the baby, etc.)

im that one gay cousin who just dissapears from time to time

11) rant about anything ;)

honestly felix eyes are so beautiful and dont let me start about his damn freckles man this guy is a whole 20/10 like damn bro chill ur already basically everything i want as a boyfriend stop being perfect hard working and lovable 

thanks mari pt 1 @jiggyjisung

1. whats your fav cold drink?

does water count?

2. chocolate chip cookies or oreos?

both are not vegan but if they would be probably chocolate chip i dont like oreos

3. are you still in school?

sadly yes i am and its stressing me

4. do you have a job or volunteer work?

not really i sometimes do errands for my moms cinema tho

5. Do you have any pets?

pets that are actually mine? at the moment not but im getting kittens soon

6. am i gonna finish this without making stupid questions?

no

7. trick question all these questions are pretty stupid

i am aware

8. do you like anime (wow such weeb)

i might like anime, youll never find out tho (yes)

9. do you like video games (wow such nerd)

i mean im totally not obsessed with little nightmares or anything

10. what temperature is it where u are?

well outside its like 0° C inside idk

11. whats ur level of weird

changbin

mari pt2

1. Whats good fam?

bye

2. Did you eat yet

its midnight, yes i ate a small dinner

3. What time is it?

00:09

4. are you tired?

nope

5. Still in school or nah?

yyes

6. are you a keyboard, cuz you’re my type *wink wonk*

thanks ur not (jk ily ur cool)

7. did you like that ^^

i love me some shitty pck up lines

8. So whatcha doin rn (besides this)

texting and listening to music

9. chocolate chip cookies or oreos

chocolate chip

10. do u got any pets

nope still not

11. mac n cheese or lasagna

both not vegan but probably lasanga

thanks my dear ela ily @incorrectfelix

if you could magically learn any language, real or fictional, which one would it be?

probably korean tbh

Do weekdays have a colour for you?

not really

If so, which ones?

nah

Sweet or savoury?

savoury

If you could do anything right now, what would it be?

having a movie night with all of my close friends i miss them a lot

What‘s your favourite haircolour?

black and brown probably, but ill also never say no to some good looking dyed hair thats lowkey washed out

Favourite kpop quote?

“My current boyfriend is Shownu and my next boyfriend will be Wonho” - I.M

Favourite type of weather?

snow and rain im all in for that cold wheather

What got you into KPop?

my friend back in 2014 and then mark lee

Do you have any ships? Which ones?

to many tbh, i love taegi? like sign me the fuck up. celara (thats the shipname of my siter and her girlfriend and i support it) , changlix, poly evryone and idk man i ship a lot of people

Describe a memory, any memory.

hi im about to share one of my favourite memories from this year with you, like it was a quite warm saturday evening and i was out with my friends and maybe a little drunk but we all were and we were just talking and honestly that was the moment i realised i love my friend so much i could never let go of them ( i like talking about memories so if anyone wanna know some of my fevourite memories im open to share them)

Favourite names?

i really like charlie, noah,nico, lee (yes i like my own names fight me) , finn, michael and lucas

thanks for tagging me @dabkingfelix

1: Do you prefer tea to coffee??

tea all the way coffee is way to bitter for me

2: When was the last time you laughed so hard that it hurt??

just now, bc my throat is sick but my friend send me a joke

3: List 3 things can be found in your room on a daily basis??

pens, clothes and pacifiers

4: What’s your favourite season??

fall and winter

5: If you were reborn, would you change your gender??

well i mean i am transgender so yea i guess i would

6: Who is your favourite fictional character??

probably lee jordan and fred and george

7: What was your dream job when you were a kid??

i always wanted to be an artist

8: What’s your favourite scent??

vanilla and cinnamon 

9: Name 3 personality traits you seek in other people??

honestly, loyality and creativity i guess??

10: Do you lick or bite ice cream??

god i dont know

11: Do you believe in horoscopes?

nope not really

thanks @thestraykidsfreak

1. Milk or cereal?

cereal

2. The group that got you into Kpop?

bts (and lowkey vixx) in 2014

3. Who’s your Stray Kids bias?

felix and changbin

4. A thing you really like about yourself? (appearance, character trait, whatever)

that i can draw well and that i get quite freckly in summer

5. Do you get along with your family?

i guess

6. Fave band that isn’t Kpop?

one ok rock lol (or pierce the veil, sue my emo ass)

7. Have you ever considered learning Korean?

yes im lowkey learning it but its on hold bc of school rn

8. What’s the last compliment you gave someone?

i like your eyes, they look as dead as u  (to my best friend. she might've hit me)

9. Have you ever changed your bias? And if, how often?

the only group where i actually changed my bias is seventeen where i went from jeonghan to woozi to the8

10. Do you have any nervous habits?

i scratch open my skin, i pick at my skin and i fidget

11. What made you get a tumblr account?

well this one the cereal debatte my actual first one? idk anymore tbh

thanks emma ur cool @straykidshizzle

1. What do you like most about your physique?

i like my nose and eyes

2. What is your biggest talent?

drawing probably

3. When do you feel the happiest?

when im with my friends

4. What is your favorite memory?

this year the moment i was outside with my friends where i thought wow im really glad i got all of you, in general a night between christmas and new year on my stepdads farm laying on my bed at night with my best friend listening to teneriffea sea by ed sheeran

5. What is your current homescreen background?

for my phone, felix for my laptop some random hot guys collarbones

6. If you got a free plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go?

probably korea, thats the place i wanna go most right now

7. What did you want to be when you were young(er)?

artist

8. How would you describe yourself?

im really bad at that but a highkey socially akward small shy boy that just wants to get accepted and doesnt know how to handle social situations

9. What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?

its monday night so i guess its my friend saying shell visit me tomorrow because im sick and my other friend who i thought didnt like me anyymore asking me to meet up on wednesday

10. Who is someone you really admire? (and why?)

lowkey my sister because she just does whatever she wants and my best friend because she does what she wants but shes still on top of her class and just wow i just really admire all of my friends (thats lowkey shitty tho bc that lowkey fucks with my mental state)

11. Who was the last person you hugged?

well, probably my mom or dad and except them lotte, a girl whos on my team that i drove home with together

thanks for all the tags man

my questions are:

1. whats your hogwarts house ? (slytherin im a snek)

2. cats or dogs ? (cats)

3. favorite star constellation ? (cygnus and the summer triangle)

4. kakao talk or line ? (kakao)

5. a stargazing date or a library date? (stargazing)

6. natrual or dyed hair (both but natural ig)

7. sexual orientation? (gay)

8. haikyuu or kuroko no basket or free (?yes im a whole weeb rip)

9. produce 101 season 1 or 2 ? (2)

10. girl groups or boy groups? (bg)

11. kermit or pepe? (kermit)

i tag : @fehlix,   @leader-chan, @dani-edgy, @ultiz; @jisxngie ; @f3lix-lee; @koalachris; @jenaipaidemots (what an url), @squishywoojin , @jeongn @felixsfreckles

if you dont want to or have already done it dont worry!

[dancekickboxcardio]

Weekend 🎊. I am back. I am tuned to New York Times while I write ✍🏾 my thoughts 💭 down on my iPhone 📱 X. I wonder what fun things 😍 I am going to do today. Yes, I am full of life, energy ⚡️ and excitement 🤩. It is a huge difference from the past few days and I can definitely tell I am better. I don’t need Advil. My nose 👃🏾 has a thick mucosal drainage and that’s ok. My immune system has been fighting whatever it is that compromised my bod. I have to shower 🚿. I haven’t in like days. Wawames just walked in. I have to pack 🧳 for the holiday 🎄 trip 🛣.

I was looking to starting slow on my first day back at the gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾. I am eager to see familiar faces and bid them the Merriest Christmas 🎁 as I take my leave for New Jersey and New York. If we stay in a hotel 🏨 which I have not asked, there is a gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾. Otherwise, I am stuck and can not get my system going in the next 5 days. I did say I have to pack 👗 right. I may not have new outfits with tags 🏷 but I have two unopened scarves 🧣. I have two new earrings 💎. That’s it. It’s ok. My priorities ⚠️ have somewhat shifted to my serious academic work at health club 🤦🏼‍♀️. It’s a personal me time and I work on issues such as coming up with the most inquisitive thoughts 💭 from efficiency 📊📈📉 to psychological underpinnings 🧠. I have made a schedule 🗓 of what I want to do today. Sadly,

I am a no go 🙅🏼‍♀️. My Mom is in early and she gave me the bad news. I have no time to prep and be dropped off 🚘 to work on my fitness 😕. It was a little bummer but I took it optimistically and know there are many things I can get busy ✍🏾🗒 with today. Allowance 💵 week 🎊🙏🏾. That’s my hands like an athlete 🎽 sliding together ready to perform my shopping 🛍 habit 😏. I was going to wear my new Zella’s 👖 today. Let it go 😏. What am I going to do today. Let’s brainstorm 🧐.

(1) Read a book 📚

(2) Twiddle 📲

(3) Shopping 🛍 plan, like what do I want to spend my little “paycheck.” Vie, it’s allowance 💵. Stop 🛑 dreaming like you have to earn what you need. Isn’t that what normal people do? Work for their living. I am like living ✨ and everything handed to me. This is so “frustrating.” I say this because I know my potential and value. I love 💕 where I am and I feel that I am doing important work. However, I entertain like a devil’s advocate what my life could be. It’s not crushing because I know where my heart ❤️ is and I concede. I am already a strong head as we know it. Funny 😆 how my temper is not met with masculine inability to handle what they do not understand with care and love 💕 and affection 🤗. It’s like I am coddled and engage in a communication of negotiation and explanation of what it feels 😦. My gawd, are you lucky 🍀.

(4) Watch TV 📺

(5) Pinterest 📍

(6) Study 📖

(7) Journal 📓

Yeah, it’s true I am the queen 👸🏼 of walking in delicate situations. That is like one of my gifts 🎁 . A great conciliator. It is also my weakness to understand and take so much. It is the worst of situation and I still have that tolerance and patience. What do you do? Be a royal 👑 mess.

You definitely can tell that I am in good health. I am joking 🙃, I am thinking 🤔 of the stuff that I want to do and must do and have that strength to actually do it.

I am still not sure what happened like how I got the strain of bacteria 🦠 or virus. That’s why I vigilantly clean 🧽 my mat and foam roller. I need to kill the microbes. Perhaps, it was already in me. I miscounted as usual when I do not think 💭 it through like I don’t pay attention and give a damn. Quick thoughtless spitfire. I was only sick 🤒 three days. Monday why didn’t I go? I only had 5 hours of sleep 💤 . Perhaps that late night 🌌 and lack of proper amounts of sleep 🛏 pushed the threshold of immune system defenses low. It still doesn’t point the vector. Where did I get it from? I went to the hospital 🏥 twice over the past seven days. I went Thursday to get a blood �� draw and I went Monday to get the rest of my lab 🧪 completed. It was unsuccessful Monday and I only touched the door 🚪, the sign up stuff 🖊 and sat 🪑 on the waiting room. So how? Maybe it was already in your system. Yeah. I emailed📧 my doctor 🥼 and I have to check what she said esp who shall explain the results on my tests. I happily 😃 cooked 👩🏼‍🍳 even if most is perfectly burnt. I watched TV 📺. I was on my phone 📱 doing stuff and slept 🛏. I didn’t get to study 👓. Yes, you did. Right. I was pretty good in answering question raised by professor 👩🏻‍🏫. I am excited 😜 to continue today. I would like to plan next year. I have reminders on how I want to live 2020.

I love 💕 my seafood 🦞 casserole 🥘. I try not to eat 🍴 everyday. Thank God, breaded 🍞 fish 🐟. Yes, I have panko and regular bread 🥖 crumbs on my grocery list for next week 🛒. I shall be out of town.

When I woke up Tuesday I knew something is off. I can barely wake up for being weak. I had no fever 🤒 or headache 🤕 but I had no energy. I feel sick. I had muscleaches. I slept 🛏 and rested because it was imperative. I had chills. I drank tons of Advil 💊. I don’t believe I did anything but being stuck in bed 🛌 which is a surprise because I maybe ill 🤧 like almost every week after flu shot 💉 but I was functional and not totally unable to do a thing. Eating 🍽 was a chore. Yet I had to put nourishment in me. If not, I won’t have fuel ⛽️ to fight off the infection.

I feel like I finished Neruda Tuesday not Wednesday because I wanted to get over the Jerusalem book 📚 and I didn’t until Thursday. Right. I read Tuesday. I cannot tolerate being stuck in bed the entire day. I should change my sheets.

I had no caffeine ☕️ in my system for the past two days Wednesday and that’s ok. I don’t need that supercharge 🔌 because I wasn’t going to power 💥 through my day. I have no strength and energy. There is not way I am going to push the limits of my protective body mechanism. I noticed that I have an appetite. That’s good. But I am eating more than usual like I am craving and my diet was so uncontrolled. I had a sweet 😻 time with Jamesicle 🐈. Sparky is being a sweetheart today. He went up to me, leaned on my back and would like to be carried 😯. Hmmmmm.... love 💗 without having to dispense a treat 🍭. I wished I had finished the book 📚 but I was living life as I usually do. A cat 🐈 is talking. I love 💕 it. I am always distracted. I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️ about you but sometimes you want things exactly as you conceived it. I just pulled down my curtains. Lights in 🌞. But I was consciously telling myself to not be perfectionist and exactly how you want it. Life is not going ever to always be your way. But when it does, you see your ends. You adjust. I mean I wasn’t so frustrated that my new gym bags 💼 , the ones I like are all sold out 🏷. My gawd, the Roksanda was the perfect one. My second choice Betsey Johnson was gone the next day. Now what? Well, it wasn’t too hard of a choice if I should get a full price 💲💲💲💲💲💲Lululemon. Be honest with yourself. You only have three hundred dollars 💵 . Would it be less different if you get the carry on on sale? Right. It doesn’t define who I am. In fact it makes me respectable that I am not passing off what my little stipend can only afford. I don’t make these grandiose claims and when I do not have a show for it, I go around town making false claims to placate my juvenile tendencies 🙄. You are adulting. Ugh 😑, I know. Oh, there were $20 bottoms by Zella’s to Gottex so I am cool 😎. Spend $150 what’s supposed to be for coat 🧥 on them. Horrible in a sense. But who tells you precisely how to live your life. Those who are not happy 😃 and problematic or without in theirs.

I definitely was improving Thursday. I was greatly enthused 😃 when I completed ✔️ the Jerusalem book. I haven’t shared my musings 🖊 on passages that I highlighted by camera 📸 on the book. It checked off my 12 books for 12 months to complete the year 📆. I was feeling good and pat myself in the back because I did something good and I actually reached one of my annual goals🥅 , yay 😀 🎉. Oh, I shall put my impression plain. Wait a second.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Gal Glasses On (@book1234glitters) on Dec 19, 2019 at 3:17pm PST

It is a very heavy text considering that it wasn’t like a 300 pages literature. It was packed. I follow where my heart 💓 leans, the thread 🧵 which guides it and I stumbled into a perfect transition, Canterbury Tales. I was surprised 😮 to see myself delving into religion and realizing how my upbringing has some influence on how I see it. I wasn’t livid violent at each slights and insults. I was very calm and try to see what’s going on. You need to be less reactive and stand on what is right not on the tides of push buttons. It takes a certain strength to build yourself. It takes another to sustain peace ✌🏾.

I am not hungry 😋. It’s a Friday. I could expend my extra energy in thre treadmills and on the equipment floors . But I am cool 😌. I still have a lot of task 📝 to tackle. I am wearing my Apple Watch ⌚️ and esp yesterday to have like a monitor to tell if my heart beats are irregular. Like right not I am not at all uneasy 😬 and it’s not that my blood pumping organ was functioning erratically and strongly, I had some tightness in my chest. I may not have cellular function on it, but it shall alarm 🚨 when something is seriously 😒 not right and I can call emergency ⛑ medical 🏥 help in a jiffy. I can tell the huge calmed difference and on fit Americano ☕️ too. Shall I shower 🧼 with my new tech. What do I feel like doing? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Make it haphazard 🚧. There is literally like a book on it. Wait, let me pull it up.

I am like already living it. I am not alone 🔦.

[spearywritesstuff]

A Place Between Heaven and Earth: Excerpt

Dean found that the island had exactly nothing to do once the evening descended upon him. Crowley had waved at them both as he got out of the jeep in front of the Atwater Hotel. It was close to the beach and just a small ways from the bungalow that Dean would be staying in during however long the movie was being filmed. It was early February, so Dean had assumed that it would easily be done by May. According to his contract though, a contract that he didn’t get his brother to review, he could be here through the summer.

Roger had been kind. More than kind, he’d taken Dean in when his family couldn’t afford to have two kids underfoot. John Winchester worked to exhaustion. Sometimes though, it wasn’t enough. And when it wasn’t enough, Roger’s door was open.

And now Roger was about to be home from college after getting to it a little late in his life. He wanted to make the movie that he’d been talking about for years. He’d be successful too. Dean liked the story of a pair of brothers hunting monsters in middle America. If it was done right, the people would flock to it. Dean doubted that he could fix any of this. He hated himself just a little for the situation and tried to see a way toward solving the problem.

Instead of solving the problem though, he found one of the few businesses open on the island, a small bar, and drank perhaps more than he rightly should have. It was the family curse. When in doubt drink until you aren’t doubting anymore. He wasn’t sure what happened between drink five and on, but he was sure that he had felt a heap better in the moment.

He somehow managed to get back to his bed, and would have stayed in it all day if it weren’t for the pounding that was drawing him back to consciousness. Dean’s head felt like a throbbing mass of pain. It felt like someone was ramming a fist into his temple again and again. It took him a moment to open his eyes to the too bright room, a second or two more to realize that the pounding was actually a noise that was not in his head alone. He sat up and looked toward the front of his room. His door was closed, but the noise was coming from beyond that door. He’d likely kill whoever it was that was knocking on his front door if only he could get up the strength to move toward it. The knocking wasn’t stopping. Now there was a voice coupled with it. “Wake up, Mr. Winchester. You are due on set in two hours.”

Dean rubbed at his eyes. This isn’t right. He was supposed to have until Monday. By all accounts, he was certain that this was Sunday. No one does a thing on Sundays. At least that’s what he’d read about the island before he’d left the mainland. The voice repeated the call for waking up. Dean shook his head and threw his legs over the side of the mattress. The floor was cold and a little gritty. He padded his way to the bedroom door then out to the living room. He could actually see the front door moving with each knock.

“I’m coming.” Dean fumbled at the doorknob, got the lock undone, and opened the door.

The man in front of him was familiar. He seemed stunned and just stared at Dean a moment, hand falling back to his side. Thank God the knocking is done. “You’re not dressed.” The man’s eyes moved from his bare chest to his face and back again.

“Of course I’m not. You woke me up. It’s Sunday.” Dean stepped back into his room and intended to slip into his bed again. He had a hand on the door to close it in this guy’s face, but he was stopped by a palm to his shoulder.

“Mr. Winchester, we need to get going. Please get some clothes on so I can drive you to the site.” Dean turned back to face him. He looked earnest and a little desperate. His eyes were captivating. Dean shook his head again, and regretted the move. Maybe I’m still a little drunk.

“I need about four more hours of sleep. Can you give me that?” He rubbed a hand over his face a little. “It’s Cas right?” He was remembering now. This was the assistant that had been assigned to him. Shit, guy probably doesn’t know how all of this works.

“No.” The man stepped into the bungalow now and stood right in front of Dean. “I will not let you cost me this job. You know how hard it is to get work on this island, work that my dad would find acceptable? This is a lucky break for me. I thought, how hard could it be to haul an actor around, get him his groceries and such. Well, I underestimated the difficulty it seems. Now, I’m going to ask you again, to please get dressed, so I can get you to the filming site.”

Dean felt a measure of frustration. Who is this guy to think he can boss me around? “Hard pass buddy. I’m getting my beauty rest. Come back tomorrow.” He turned again to head for his room, dizzy and a little sick feeling.

He’d have been able to fight him off a little if he weren’t still drunk. As it was, Dean did not have the mental capacity to deal with what came next. Cas had grabbed him and carried him all the way out the door, before Dean even realized what was happening. He hefted Dean up at the edge of the two steps that would bring him down to the street. It was then that Dean started to struggle. “You will want to stop that. I’ll drop you, and you’ll be injured.”

“Put me down!” Dean said as they rounded the jeep. Cas put him down but didn’t release him. Somehow, he kept Dean locked into his grip even while opening the passenger side door. He somehow also managed to move Dean up into the seat and closed the door.

Dean was so confused he didn’t do much of anything except to stare at Cas through the window of the vehicle. Cas moved around to the driver’s side before Dean realized that he could get out, make a run for it. Cas was strong though. He’d likely just haul his sorry ass right on back. Dean wasn’t thinking right or he would have tried at least. His head was buzzing and angry. Cas started the jeep and they roared away from the curb. “You’re awful. I’m going to regret every minute of this job.” Cas stared straight ahead at the road as they drove.

“I don’t have clothes on.” Dean muttered. “Take me back.”

“You made the decision. Deal with the consequences.” They raced past a ballpark. Dean let his gaze linger on it as they passed.

“I’m not supposed to be on the site until Monday.” Dean was thinking about getting out of the jeep and running back to the bungalow. Cas never fully stopped at the corners though, and getting out of a moving vehicle in his current state seemed ill-advised. The road became rougher all of a sudden, and Cas whipped into a tight turn that pressed Dean into the door of the jeep.

“Sorry, didn’t want to slow down too much.”

“Why?”

“Pretty sure you’ll jump out if I stop.” Cas glanced at him now.

Dean stared daggers back at him. “What, you’re a mind reader now too?”

“You’re easy to read.” He let go of the steering wheel with one hand and waved at the door. “You got one hand curled around the handle there, like you’re just waiting for your opportunity.”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re an asshole.” Dean turned his gaze back to the road in front of them. He was feeling sick. Every bump and bounce made him feel like he was going to lose whatever was still in his stomach, which wasn’t much. “You need to pull over.”

“Not gonna happen.” Cas drove faster.

“I’m not going to run. I’m going to vomit.” Cas glanced at him again. He must have seen something that made him believe him. He slammed on the brakes.

“Out.”

Dean didn’t wait even a second. He tossed open the door and practically fell out of the jeep. He felt his stomach heave painfully and gracelessly. It was over in an instant. Cas was standing behind him. Dean was somehow more irritated by that. This was the last thing that needed witnessing. “Get the hell away from me.” Cas stayed right where he was. Dean swiped the back of his hand over his mouth. “You deaf?”

“Clearly, I am not deaf as I have heard everything that you’ve been saying. I’m also not going away, as I have a job to do.” He lowered himself down into a crouch next to Dean. “Get back in the jeep.”

Dean felt a little more clear headed now, and also, hated being bossed around. He lunged at Cas and knocked him onto his back. That should have been enough, but Cas was damn tough. He wrapped his arms around Dean and rolled him onto his back, then sat up straddling him in the dirt and exhaust. “Get off me.” Dean tried to get free of him. Cas grabbed his wrists and pushed them back to the ground over his head.

“You will get back in the car. If you do so, you will get a shirt to wear. Otherwise, I’ll drop you off with just the now filthy underwear that you are wearing. Do you understand?”

Dean continued to struggle. Cas seemed to be unaffected. Dean was not going to win this battle with brute strength alone. “Damn it.”

“That is not an answer.”

Dean glared at him a second or two more, then said, “Fine. Get off me, and I’ll get in the jeep. I need pants too.”

“Don’t have pants to give you. I’ve got a shirt in the back.” He got up and held out a hand to Dean. “Come on.” Dean took his hand and let himself be pulled up. He stumbled to the jeep and got in. Cas rounded it and got in the driver’s seat. He reached back into the space behind Dean’s seat and said, “Here.” He tossed a button up shirt into Dean’s lap. “I expect to get it back.”

“Yeah.” Dean put it on and frowned a little at the dirt that was covering him. He was a mess and the crisp white shirt was making it even more obvious. He was leaving dirty little fingerprints around each button. Cas started driving again. They were making their way up the mountain. Dean could see the film crew just up the road. They pulled up alongside the crew and the director came to his window.

“Deano, how’s it going?” Gabriel was a short man and full of mirth. He leaned into the space and looked Dean over. “Whoa, you forgot your pants.”

“There was a misunderstanding. You got a pair in wardrobe you can toss me?”

Gabriel looked over his shoulder at a kid that was passing by with a tray of food. “Bart, go to wardrobe and get some pants for Mr. Winchester. Be quick.” The kid looked terrified and ran off to do what he was told. “So, is there a story behind this?” He waved a hand over Dean’s frame.

Cas chose that moment to answer. “I rushed Mr. Winchester here as Mr. Crowley said that it was imperative that he arrive on time for every appointment. I believe that we have arrived two minutes early, which is a touch later than I’d like to be tomorrow.”

“I assume that my actors will be late. Dean here is actually the first to arrive. Thank you…” He waited for a name to finish the sentence. When Cas didn’t respond, he said, “I’m not remembering your name; sorry kid.”

“Cas, Cas Novak.” He glanced back at Dean then.

“Well, you’ve done well Mr. Novak. I’ll be sure to let Mr. Crowley know. The kid came back with pants and Gabriel took them. He looked them over then tossed them in through the window. Dean struggled to put them on in the cramped space. “Next time, you can take a few minutes to get dressed at home.” Gabriel smiled as he spoke. He took a step back from the window.

A moment later and Dean got out of the car, bare footed but otherwise clothed. “Thanks.” He adopted his professional tone and moved off toward the crew to await orders. He sent back a scowl at Cas as he walked away. Cas for his part, just smiled right on back like this was all somehow enjoyable. He even added a little wave and drove over to the far end of the set to park his jeep and wait.

Read the rest here.

[toosicktoocare]

@define-lying asked for Enjolras attempting to take care of a bunch of sickes (R, Ferre, and Courf). Here you go, love :)

Enjolras liked to think that he excelled at many things. He had a bright mind and a strong willingness to learn. He was breezing through university with high marks, and on the side, he was holding weekly club meetings for three different clubs. Things just came easy for him, so when all three of his roommates fell ill around the same time, he figured he would be able to handle it with poise and grace.

Boy was he wrong.

Combeferre had been first, not to anyone’s surprise considering he was working at the school clinic during the peak of flu season. Luckily for Enjolras, Combeferre took care of himself well. The second he started feeling off, he called out of work, assuming the worst, and he was right. Two days in and he was running a fever of 100.5 and coughing up a lung every five minutes.

Courfeyrac had taken to waiting on Combeferre hand and foot despite Combeferre’s protests of contagion, and sure enough, the following day had Courfeyrac moaning pitifully in bed. Enjolras had three papers that needed to be typed, but he had to put them aside for now. He was on sick duty since Grantaire was borderline a wreck thanks to a massive art piece that was going to be presented to a prestigious art gallery. He had holed himself up in his room and told Enjolras not to bother him unless someone was dying.

That left Enjolras with Combeferre, who was currently resting, and Courfeyrac, whose whines could be heard a mile away.

He went to Courfeyrac’s room first, anything to stop the whining. “What?” He asked, pushing the door open and flicking on the light.

“I’m cold,” Courfeyrac cried out, curling himself into a tight ball.

Enjolras moved towards the bed, slapping his hand rather forcefully onto Courfeyrac’s forehead. “It’s just the fever,” he said, annoyed.

“I know,” Courfeyrac said, drawing out the ‘o’. “But it’s making me really really cold.”

Enjolras sighed, crossing his arms. “Well you have to wait two more hours until you can have more medicine.”

“Enjolras,” Courfeyrac whined, dragging the name out. “Can you at least give me an extra blanket?”

Enjolras eyed the two blankets already piled on top of his friend wearily. “I’m not sure? Let me ask.” He left the room and made his way to Combeferre’s room. “Ferre?” He called out quietly as he pushed the door open.

“Hmm?”

Enjolras walked in, leaving the light off. Combeferre had been battling a pretty bad headache on and off all day, and the last thing Enjolras wanted to do was irritate it any further.

“How are you feeling?” He started, moving quietly towards the bed.

“Alright,” Combeferre answered, but his hoarse voice contradicted his statement. “How’s Courf?”

Enjolras frowned, making a mental note to bring more tea in next time he came. “He’s cold because of his fever. He already has his blanket and mine, but he’s asking for another.”

“Don’t,” Combeferre answered firmly despite his weak voice. “He’ll overheat.”

Enjolras nodded and made to leave the room to deliver the bad news to Courfeyrac.

“And R?”

Enjolras stopped, half way out the door. “What?” He asked, looking over his shoulder at Combeferre.

“How is he?”

“Fine?” Enjolras fully turned to face Combeferre. “He’s been working on his art piece. Why?”

“Has he eaten?”

Of course, Enjolras thought to himself. Here Combeferre was layed up with the flu, and he was worrying about everyone else. “I don’t know? He told me not to bother him.”

Combeferre sighed. “He’s just as bad as you when it comes to self-preservation. Go take him food.”

Enjolras frowned but nodded. He moved to the kitchen, rummaging through cabinets until he found a few cans of soup. He figured he’d just go ahead and make a big pot of soup for everyone because that was a thing for sick people– according to Combeferre at least.

He couldn’t help the smile pulling at his lips when he tasted the soup to find that it actually tasted decent. He turned the burner on low before pouring some soup into a bowl for Grantaire.

With the bowl of soup in hand, he made his way to Grantaire’s room, knocking hesitantly on the door. “Hey, I have food.” He was met with silence, so he tried again, but still, there was no answer. He tried the knob, finding the door unlocked.

“Hey,” he called out as he walked into the room. The only light was filtering from Grantaire’s work corner, and said boy was hunched over an easel with ear buds in.

Enjolras rolled his eyes and set the bowl of soup down on Grantaire’s bedside table. He stepped over clothes and art books until he was standing beside Grantaire, but when he opened his mouth to scold Grantaire for ignoring him, he found his words catching in his throat.

Grantaire was sweating yet he was shaking. His brows were furrowed and his cheeks were flushed a deep red.

Enjolras ripped an ear bud from Grantaire’s ear, causing the latter to jump. “You’re sick,” Enjolras said, voice accusing.

Grantaire stared at Enjolras with narrowed eyes. “Is someone dying?” He asked, clearly annoyed.

Enjolras huffed, crossing his arms. “No. But that doesn’t matter anymore because you’re sick.”

“I told you not to bother me unless someone was dying.”

Enjolras wanted to slap the idiot on the side of his head, but he took a few deep breaths, willing himself to remain calm. He knew that Grantaire was always extra snappy when sick– it was one of the things he and the brunet had in common.

“Go to bed,” Enjolras ordered firmly.

“This painting isn’t going to finish itself,” Grantaire replied, already turning back to his easel.

Enjolras watched as Grantaire attempted to still his trembling hands. He found himself feeling rather concerned because Grantaire was usually so still and so precise when painting. “Your lines are going to look terrible,” he said, and Grantaire responded by slamming the paint brush down on the easel.

“You think I don’t know this?” Grantaire snapped, staring daggers at Enjolras. “It’s been taking twice as long to do the simplest things because I can’t stop shaking.”

Enjolras frowned, wondering how long Grantaire had been like this. He brushed the back of his hand against Grantaire’s cheek just long enough to feel the heat before Grantaire turned his head away.

“Bed,” Enjolras pressed, already mentally planning on which medicine to bring in.

“I’m fine,” Grantaire tried, but Enjolras wasn’t having it. He grabbed Grantaire’s arm, yanking the brunet to his feet while minding to be cautious of the easel.

Grantaire moved to pull away, but the room started to tilt drastically. He would have toppled over his painting if it weren’t for Enjolras quickly steadying him.

“Jesus, R,” Enjolras started, winding his arm around Grantaire’s waist. “You’re a wreck.”

Grantaire opted to ignore Enjolras. Instead, he put all of his focus towards making it to his bed without passing out. He wasn’t sure he would have made it if it weren’t for Enjolras’s steady hold on him.

Once Enjolras had Grantaire settled, he left to retrieve the thermometer. Grantaire was defiant at first, claiming that this was unnecessary, but Enjolras threatened to shove the damn thermometer down his throat if he didn’t comply.

“Well?” Grantaire asked just as Enjolras pulled the thermometer from his mouth. “What’s the verdict? Am I dying or what?”

Enjolras eyed the reading with wide eyes- 103.5. That couldn’t be right, could it? He pressed his palm against Grantaire’s forehead once more as if he could gauge his temperature by touch alone.

“Shit, am I actually dying?” Grantaire tried again, voice light yet concerned. “Can you tell Jehan to finish my piece for me? It has to be Jehan, not Courf. I know Courf will insist he do it, but it has to be Jehan.”

Enjolras reset the thermometer, and Grantaire wordlessly opened his mouth. The two waited in silence until the soft beeping sounded. Enjolras all but ripped the thermometer from Grantaire’s mouth and frowned. The reading was the same.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, grip tight around the thermometer. He turned on his heel and quickly left the room, making his way to Combeferre’s room.

“Combeferre,” he said breathlessly as he approached Combeferre’s bed. “Grantaire’s dying!”

Combeferre shot up, already half out of the bed when Enjolras thrust the thermometer at his face. He blinked at the reading before sighing. “No, he’s not.” He said, moving until he was fully back in bed.

“But that’s really high, right?” Enjolras asked, panicked. “I mean he seems okay, but this is too high!”

Combeferre draped an arm over his eyes– headache coming back full force. “It is high,” he muttered. “But he’ll be fine with medicine and rest.”

Enjolras stared at his friend in disbelief. He didn’t understand how Combeferre wasn’t concerned. The highest fever between Combeferre and Courfeyrac so far had been 101.6. Grantaire had them beat by a lot. He needed a hospital!

“Combeferre-”

“Enj,” Combeferre countered, cutting Enjolras off. He moved his arm away from his eyes. “He’ll be fine. Just keep doing what your doing, and we will all be fine.”

Enjolras nodded despite not feeling any better. He asked Combeferre if he needed anything, and when Combeferre told him no and to go tend to Courfeyrac and Grantaire, he stumbled out of the room, mind in overdrive. He needed to get Grantaire to eat then get him water and medicine, he needed to try and get Courfeyrac to eat. He needed to keep an eye on Combeferre’s headache.

He breathed out a shaky sigh and got to work.

*****

The rest of the day passed in a blur, and the worried pit inside Enjolras’s stomach only continued to grow.

Grantaire’s fever spiked twice, and both times, Enjolras considered calling an ambulance. He gave him medicine and kept him hydrated, but nothing seemed to work, and Grantaire seemed to be in a lot of pain, groaning and clutching at his head.

Courfeyrac became incredibly subdued when Enjolras told him he couldn’t have a third blanket. He was still shivering hard, and it made Enjolras’s heart clench. He wanted nothing more than to take Courfeyrac’s ailments away, but he couldn’t. He could only give medicine and water and hope for the best.

Combeferre’s headache exploded into a full-blown migraine, and despite trying to work through it, it was clearly bothering him terribly, and Enjolras had no idea what to do.

Enjolras spent hours upon hours running between the three bedrooms, smoothing cool, damp cloths over Grantaire’s burning forehead, climbing into bed with Courfeyrac to offer a brief bout of body heat for the shivering boy, and ensuring that absolutely no light get into Combeferre’s room.

He administered medicine when needed, but it just seemed like nothing was working at this point. He desperately wanted to consult Combeferre about it, but he didn’t want to bother him. He texted Joly a few times, but Joly only told him “these things take time.”

After another round of checking on his friends, Enjolras flopped down against the couch. It was just after two a.m., and he was so worried that he felt physically ill. His chest felt tight and constricted, and his stomach was flipping with anxiety. He couldn’t do this– he had no idea what he was doing. Why wasn’t anyone getting better? How did Combeferre and Joly deal with this on a daily basis at the school clinic?

A blinding pain suddenly burst behind his eyes, and he squeezed them shut with a groan. He could feel sleep tugging at him, and despite wanting to fight it, he nodded off.

*****

“Is he okay?”

Enjolras was pulled from his sleep by a cool hand pressing against his forehead.

“He’s definitely got a fever. Looks like the flu finally caught up to him.”

He pried his eyes open, blinking away the blurring vision to see Combeferre and Courfeyrac staring down at him with worried eyes. “Shit,” he rasped out, moving to sit up, but Combeferre gently pushed him back down.

“You’re ill, Enj.” Combeferre said, voice soft.

“I have to,” Enjolras started, pausing to cough. “I have to– you guys are the sick ones.” He couldn’t get his mind to process words. Why couldn’t he get his mind to process words?

“You did well,” Combeferre said, brushing his hand against Enjolras’s cheek. “My migraine is gone, and Courfeyrac’s fever broke about an hour ago.”

“R,” Enjolras whispered, motioning weakly towards Grantaire’s bedroom.

“He’s getting there,” Combeferre answered. “He’s worried about you,” he added as an after thought.

Enjolras glanced towards Grantaire’s room with tired eyes. He wanted to say more, but he could feel his eyelids growing heavy.

“Just rest, Enj. We’ve got it covered now.”

Enjolras nodded weakly, drifting off to sleep once more.

[strainingfororiginality]

Chapter 15

Note from Author:

This is easily twice as long as my longest chapter to date.  It should have been split into two sections for a Part 7 and 8, but I did not actually want to leave it ‘unsettled’ in the middle.  So here it is.

Also, the intensity of this chapter actually got away from me quite a bit while I was writing it.  I thought about taking some of it out, as I might have been projecting some anger that I was feeling about some other things this week, but I will let it go as is.  The theme of this chapter was ‘Beauty’ for a reason.

One of my draws to the character of Quinlan was that he is not conventionally ‘attractive’ or ‘beautiful’.  Even though Rupert has managed to make him sexy AF, he is still not conventionally ‘handsome’, and I love that.  As such, I think that his views of ‘beauty’ would be more practical than others and driven less by the current hotnesses in societal standards.

Part 7

Inspiration: Fade Away - Zack Hemsey

There's flies on the wall and no one around

Once bright eyes are dull,

She's half in the ground

And life goes on ...

The dream was the same it always was.  She swayed with the others, then severed and floated away from the battling serpents beneath her.  She was adrift until the wind brought her to him and he plucked her out of the air.  Once in his hand, she was more than she had been before; she was transformed.  He had returned something to her, something that was taken and she had arms and legs now.  She used them to embrace him and he smiled.

This was the furthest she had ever seen so far … but it continued.

He touched her face and she whispered something into his ear though she couldn’t hear what it was.  Odd, if she whispered it, shouldn’t she know what it was?  Regardless, he picked her up, setting her up and away from the battle before he turned to join it.  She grabbed for his arm, but he pulled away and leaving her there, alone on that rock which was far too large to jump down from.

She was helpless as she watched him battle the red serpent.  He was smaller, but he was faster, he was stronger and when the brightness consumed them both, overwhelming and painful, she dropped to her knees to shield her face from its intensity.  The flash was fleeting and once she rose again, there were no serpents, no longer a battle.  There was nothing.  The land was empty and so peaceful, yet her eyes filled with burning tears.

She was alone … on this rock … unable to leap free and she stood still as she cried, staring to where the battle had been, where he had last been.

The sun began to rise behind her and she saw her own shadow, long and slender on the ground ahead, quickly getting smaller as the light source rose farther and higher into the sky.  It was then that she saw the other shadow, as it crept up behind her.  It had moved slowly and had encompassed her fully within it before she felt the breath on her neck.  She stared at the shape on the ground, understanding what it was eventually.  Long, slender, and serpentine.  It was too big to be her serpent and when it spoke, its breath was hot and its voice was youthful.

“You are not alone, my child.  You have never been alone.” It spoke Hathų’s words towards her, into her, washing over her, encompassing her, consoling her ... seducing her.

She turned slowly as her tears flowed freely and she looked at this new serpent, deep into his face as he bent down to her.  His skin had no definitive color, it seemed to be shifting, and alternating with every movement.  His eyes were a patchwork of so many colors … and he smiled before he struck her with his fangs, catching her in his arms as she collapsed.

She was not afraid.  Alone, but not afraid.  Sad, but no longer afraid.

As the venom overtook her, he held her so very close and tight in his arms, placing gentle kisses as he stroked her, calming her, easing her away, until her life finally slipped away.

There was something peaceful about this … and she didn’t wake with a fright.  Her eyes opened calmly and she found herself still on the swing, her head still on Quinlan’s leg, and his touches still gracing her head and her hair, just as the chameleon serpent.

She breathed deeply as she realized he had not left her.  He was still here and he reacted to her stirring under him, “How do you feel now?  Has it abated?”

“If she’s sick, she shouldn’t be around anyone else until we determine what’s wrong with her.”  Rebecca had been in full on harpy mode when Dawn came back inside from the porch and she found herself stuttering a defensive response.

“No, I feel fine now.”

“Uh huh.”  She felt her forehead quickly, “You are still warm.  Are you still nauseous?”

“Becca, I’m sure she’s fine.”  Ephraim tried to halt the impending battle but Rubinstein was forceful as always and everyone else simply watched the interaction with wide eyes, unwilling to offer up any resistance to the terrifying woman.

“We don’t know what’s in the water out here.  She could have contracted any number of things.  We aren’t even boiling the water like we should be.  Cholera, Dysentery, or--”

“It is not a sickness, Doctor.”  Quinlan barked from the doorway as he entered.

“I’m not sure I want to risk that, Mr. Quinlan.  Cholera and Dysentery are both highly contagious--”

“Trust me.  I am familiar with both of those illnesses, Doctor.  She is fine.”  He twitched his head to the right and Dawn pulled out from her grasp, attempting to make her way to the bathroom.  If she could just get away from the Doctor, she would be alright--

“For you, maybe.  I doubt you can contract those, can you?”  She wanted to fight for some reason and Quinlan tilted his head dramatically to the right in a manner that Dawn had never seen from him, but it seemed Ephraim had as he jumped to action again.

“It’s fine.  Everything is fine.”

“She’s running a fever, Eph.  She puked her lungs out earlier, everyone heard it.”  Rubinstein was more than a little peeved at the lack of backup she was receiving from her fellow physician.

Dawn reached up and felt her own forehead.  Running a fever?  Is that even right?  She didn’t feel like she was, she felt fine to herself.

“Why isn’t anyone else concerned over this?!”  She spun to Gus and Fet, throwing her arms up in the air.  Gus shook his head and Fet simply shrugged before speaking.

“If Q says it's fine den I’m sure it's fine.  He can probably smell dat stuff.”  Dawn looked over at Dutch, who was watching with a giant grin from the small kitchen counter.  It looked like she was fiddling with some kind of record player, but she had stopped to watch the ensuing fight, enjoying every instant of it.

“What do you want, Rebecca?  Do you want us to quarantine her?”  Ephraim asked as he furrowed his brows and shook his head at her ridiculousness.

"You are more than welcome to leave if it concerns you that much."  Quinlan smirked and Dawn used this moment of tension to slip to the bathroom finally.  She could not stand to be in the same room with that woman, and she honestly felt like she had it out for her.  She hadn’t spoken to herself in days, but the comforting feeling of it rushed back over her as she struck up a friendly conversation while she stared into the bathroom mirror.

“It’s probably all in our mind.  She’s probably perfectly likeable--”

“No.  Don’t even.  Excuses.”

“No, we just don’t like her because …”

“Because why?”

“You know why.”

“Because why?”

“Because she makes us feel … ugly.”

Dawn poked at her own face and looked at her hair, which was clumsily tied into ponytail, allowing several bumps of her hair to poke out above itself.

“My god, this is how we’ve been looking?!”

“Meh.”

She pulled it out and tried to use the comb to straighten it a bit, pulling it back into a pony tail and looking again at the bumps she once again caused.  Missing her hair straightener for the first time since The Fall, she pulled her hair out again and considered leaving it down, parting it on the right side and combing it out a bit more.  She stared at the mess of it she had made and frowned.  It was mostly straight, but it had an ugly, conspicuous bump across it where it had been in the pony tail.

Fuck.  The only way to get rid of that thing is a shower.

She looked over at the tub and remembered there was no hot water.  Ugh.  Nope.  There was no way she was gonna go to sleep with wet hair, it was cold enough as it was.  She’d just take a shower in the morning then.

She looked back at the mess.  How was the Doctor’s hair so fucking perfect all the time?!  Shit, even Dutch managed to make ultra messy somehow ridiculously sexy.

Surrendering, she started to pull it back into the tie when it occurred to her that she could also braid it.  She’d been very good a french braids when she was younger and now her hair was obviously long enough for the first time in years.   Wetting it a bit first, it took her a couple of tries before she was mostly happy with the result.

Fuck it.  Good enough.  Ok, what’s next?

The little black bag that Dutch carried around with her was on back of the toilet and Dawn dug into it furiously now.  Tweezers … check.  She shaped up her eyebrows, insanely embarrassed at how she’d just let it go.  

“Well … our defense, we were in a coma.”

“Yeah, sure.  We let ourselves go a long time before that.”

“It’s the end of the world … Does it even matter anymore?”

“Apparently it matters to Dr. McSexyface.”

Her own words jarred loose the memory of Ephraim’s voice on the swing the night before last, when he’d said:

“It's the end of the world, right?  And god damn, she’s beautiful.”

Looking around her face, she pulled some more hairs out that bugged her the most before she touched the fuzz on top of her lip as she frowned.  Oh god.  Why didn’t anything grow uniformly?!  Why did she have to be born with these genes?

She stared accusingly into her eyelashes and considering going to town on them with the tweezers, pulling her lids back and glaring at her distichiasis.  She hated it.  Just one more thing that made her different; that made her odd.  Luscious eyelashes, her ass.  Her overabundance of them made it impossible to use mascara cleanly, it always seemed to clump on her.

She pulled her lower lids back and stared at the strange protruding hairs that shouldn’t be there and considered yanking them all out, but she’d let it go for too long.  It would take forever.  Fuck it for now.  She would just have to stomach that mutation until later.  When she was finally satisfied with the hair removal, she looked again in the mirror.

What next?  Hmmm.  Her eyes grew wide as she poked a reddish spot on her chin and she felt like crawling into a hole.

“Is that … Is that … ?!?!”

“It will be, but it's not a pimple quite yet.”

“Oh god.  Fuck my life.”

She blamed the time in the tank for this.  All that sweating and heat and … Ugh.  The first time since The Fall, again, she was having to think about makeup again.  Like, foundation or powder or a concealer or something.  She touched her cheeks and the spots that covered them as she told herself again how very much she hated them.

“What was it that YouTube video had called them again?”

“Cancer Factories.”

“That’s right.  And what was it that they said I was because of them?”

“Genetically less attractive.”

“That’s right.  Genetically ugly.”

Pulling Dutch’s powder out, she held it against her face, squinting in the shitty bathroom light as she tried to compare it with her own complexion.  It was darker than her base color, but lighter than her freckles.

Fuck it.  Let’s try.

She patted some it on her cheeks to cover a big portion of her skin before she realized how much darker it was than the rest of her skin.  Ugh.  It looked like she had gone to a spray on tan place.

Nope.  That doesn’t work.  Fuck.  She scrubbed it from her face with the frigid water from the tap and looked back up again.

“What are we even doing?”

“I don’t know.  I’d rather not go back out there.”

“Yeah … but what are we doing?”

“I … don’t know.  I don’t … “  She recalled the Doctor’s question to Quinlan in the van right before she fell asleep, “I don’t want to be anyone’s little sister anymore.”

“We already know we can’t fix that … not even with makeup.”

“I know … I just …”

She didn’t even know how to answer herself and instead she looked in the little cosmetic bag again and pulled out a mostly used black stick of eyeliner.  Looking at her eyes, she considered carefully what to do next.  She’d always been terrible at applying this, and making her eyes look bigger than they already were always turned out terrible.  Her eyes were plenty big enough already.

She pulled her lower lid forward and started to spread the black line on lower waterling of her eye.  Anytime she did this, it would eventually glob at her tear ducts over time, but until then, it would actually make her eye look smaller and more normal.  She didn’t want to do whatever the fuck it was that Dutch did to her eyes, but she repeated the action to the other eye and pulled back to look at herself.

That’s good, yeah.  Sure.  That’s subtle.

She could still hear the Doctor and Quinlan distantly talking, but she wasn’t able to make out anything. As she put the makeup back in Dutch’s bag, she looked at the plastic object that was resting on the small sink.  It was an old disposable razor and it looked duller than hell.  It was likely what Eph had been using on his head lately and this caused more of his words the other night to rattle in her mind:

“It only gets better underneath.  She’s perfect.”

Dawn peeled away the flannel overshirt that she’d stolen from the bedroom closet and then removed the giant undershirt of his that she was still wearing.  It wasn’t very different in size from the other shirts available and she considered just grabbing one of them instead, but today she washed it out in the lake and put it back on.  She didn’t know if that made her creepy or not, but she didn’t care.  It was her shirt now, right?  He gave it to her, right?

She folded it and placed it down, turning back to herself.  She’d lost a lot of weight since everything went to hell, but she wasn’t perfect.  She could never be perfect.  She pinched her side and shrugged.  Meh.  It would have been nice to have found a bra with more support, more oomph, but her size wasn’t easy to scavenge for.  Meh.

What was she doing?  She didn’t remove her shirts to look at her body.  Stop it.  Focus.  She chastised herself before she lifted her arms to see the patches of hair that had grown underneath them.

“Holy shit.”

“Coma, remember?”

“Yeah, but … “

“Oh please.  It was worse at the factory.”

That last statement was definitely true and she picked up the razor and thought about it carefully.  Would she be able to get all of the hair out of it?  Cause, it was pretty long and that would be super gross for Ephraim or whoever else was using this razor.  What if Gus was using it?

“Who cares?  Do you think the Dr. McSexyface would care?”

“No.”

“Then just do it.”

She stared at the razor again and set it back down in frustration.  Fucking hell.  Putting her clothes back on in defeat, she gave one last smell of her armpit and pouted slightly.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why do I smell like that?”

“Just put the flannel back on.  We’ve been in here forever, the bitch will probably come looking for us to prove we have cholera or something.”

Finally looking down towards her legs, wondering about the hair down there, she simply just shook her head.

“No.  That was a lost cause a long time ago.”

She surveyed herself one last time.  The braid looked … nice?  Sure.  It looked different at the very least.  Her eyes?  They looked subtle at the very least.  Sure.  At least her eyebrows were now a bit more tame.  What else?  Oh!

She fished around in Dutch’s bag one last time, pulling out a scented and lightly tinted lip gloss and she spread it over her overly thin lips with vigor.  She did miss chapstick, quite a bit in fact.  Her lips were gonna crack in this weather and she considered putting it back in the bag after she slathered it on, but instead slipped it into her pocket slyly before she spied something else in the bag.

An eyebrow pencil?  It wasn’t exactly her color, but …

Sure.  Why not?

Dawn had disappeared to the bathroom over five minutes ago and in the interim Quinlan had won the argument with the redhead very quickly when he suggested that that she be the one who would sleep in the van tonight.

She had demanded that it be put to a vote and when she came up with zero support from anyone else, she left in a huff back to her room.  She was normally used to having the majority of support from men in the room, but she had underestimated that they feared him more than they might desire her.

It seemed like the bed was hers now indefinitely.  No one seemed to care, and he assumed it was because it kept her at a safe distance from everyone else while they slept.

He waited for a moment, standing awkwardly in the entrance to the miniature hallway that led to the bedroom and bathroom.  He listened for sound from the bathroom, but there was little and he wondered what she was doing in there for so long.  Hmmm.  He considered going outside to take watch before he looked at the bedroom, remembering today that he had wanted to have a word with the redheaded woman.  Her most recent behavior made him wish to just get it over with now.

Apparently his indecision on what to do caused Fet a bit of concern, “Everything alright, man?”

Quinlan nodded as he decided sooner would be better than later and approached the bedroom door, hesitating briefly with a cringe before knocking on it.  The voice within bade him to enter and he glanced back to everyone else, seeing that all eyes were on him with intrigue as he cracked the door open enough to look within.

“May we have a word now, Doctor?”  There was no response and he opened door wider to garner her attention as she turned to face him, smiling widely.  She was in the process of brushing her curls as she draped them over her left shoulder and turned to face him fully.

He was surprised at the speed at which she had managed to change her clothing as she was now wearing a satin robe of some kind, likely one she’d found in the previous owner’s things.  Strange.  Judging by the way it was falling against her body, she was wearing nothing underneath it.  Should they have to run in the night, she would find it a bad choice.

“Sure.  I hope you aren’t having hard feelings about earlier.”

He entered the room shyly at first, considering briefly moving the discussion to tomorrow instead, but he did not wish another episode to occur.  The damage she was intentionally causing was not appreciated and he had no patience for it any longer.  He chose to shut the door behind him as he did not wish the others to hear this ... discussion.

“And it’s Rebecca, please.  Or just Becca ... if you play your cards right.”  She approached him confidently.

Hmmmm.  He did not like card games, actually.

“Does it give you pleasure to bait her, Doctor?”  There was no reason to be polite any longer.

“What?”  She was suddenly taken aback by his accusation.  This was likely not what she was intending to occur, “I … I’m not baiting anyo--”  She began to scoff at his statement.

“Why do you feel it necessary to dominate her continuously?”

“Hey … If you are talking about earlier, it's not my fault if she’s hypersensi--”

“While you may be enjoying it.  I, however, am not.  Your game is not only unappreciated, it is nothing more than disruptive to the health of our unit.  As a soldier, I would have expected--”

She sighed at him, feigning innocence as she interrupted, “I think you are just reading too much into--”

He interrupted her, yet again, “Do not assume that your intended manipulation goes without detection, Doctor.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her stance as she lobbed the next deflection at him, “Manipulation?  I think you’ve just spent most of your life not trusting anyone, Quintus.”

“You will not be winning my trust anytime soon.”  He glared at the overconfident woman as she smiled, assuming her beauty would afford her the same privilege around him as it had around others.  “It’s Mister Quinlan.”  This was not a request and he did not like his name coming from those lips.  Who had told her his name, he wondered.

“My bad … Mr. Quinlan.”  She approached him with ease and lacking all caution, her eyes locking onto his as the satin robe easily revealed her cold nipples underneath and he cringed at this aspect of her, turning from its view slightly.

It seemed she had no amount of modesty as she misread his discomfort for desire.  She was so very sure of herself at this moment and as she took steps towards him, she reached out for his arm before he turned sharply away, forced to move away from the exit in order to create distance between them.  He would have preferred to stay close to the door, but he did not wish this woman to touch him.

“What’s wrong?  Why are you afraid of me?”  She giggled at his retreat, “You don’t have to be afraid … I promise I won’t bite.”

“I am not afraid of you, poor Doctor.”  He was having little success talking to her like a rational person and he wondered how she might fair at having her own confidence beaten down.  “I am simply … disinterested.”

“Disinterested?  Disinterested in me?”  She balked at his statement, furrowing her brow before enlightenment washed over her, “Oh … I didn’t realize you swung that way.”

That way?  Hmmm.  Would the only way a man be uninterested in her if he were homosexual?

In all honestly, Quinlan didn’t really see a point in defining himself as swinging any particular direction, though he did have a preference, it was most certainly none of her concern either way.  He found her attitude and nature the very opposite of appealing.  He could have let it slide like this and her advancements would be finished, but he wasn’t pleased with her abundance of self worth.

“I’m sorry … I just assumed … how you act towards--”  She looked relieved suddenly.

He smiled, “Do not misunderstand me.  I enjoy women … quite a bit actually.  So much so that I’ve had thousands of them.”

Her brows re-furrowed, “O.K.  Then what exactly is the problem?  You got some kinda strange short kink or something?”

Quinlan cocked his head to the right with the unfamiliar term, “Kink?”

“You know … something abnormal that turns you on.”

Again, she attempts to manipulate the conversation by pointing out something that she perceives as a flaw in her competition.  Quinlan chuckled, “I have had shorter.”  The Doctor raised an eyebrow to him.

Hmmm.  That wasn’t necessarily the best retort, he thought.  That was a bit odd to say.  “It matters not, her height is of no importance to this conversation.”

“Alright then, what is it?  Am I not big enough for you?”  Now she will attack her curves.  This was a strange attack, as the Doctor’s curves were not even noticeably smaller than Dawn’s, but her body was taller and far more slender, so he supposed it was harder for humans to discern the similarity.

What could he say?  What would be the most hurtful?  Hmmm.  Quinlan grinned wickedly before he spoke, “There is nothing abnormal at all.  Quite the opposite actually.  I simply prefer natural women.”

Her smile made him wince.  “Done.  I promise you, I’m one hundred percent real.”  She was impressively amused at her own words, but Quinlan knew they were lies.

“You think your treachery is that clever?  I can smell all of the chemicals on you … inside of you, even at this distance.  The ones you rub into your skin, the ones that are under the skin of your lips and I can even smell the plastic of your chest from all the way over here.”

He had finally hit some kind of nerve and she seemed taken back by his words as she covered her breasts with her hands, pulling the robe tightly across her, “Whoa.  That’s not … true.”

There it was.  He knew every human had it.  Vulnerability.  This shield of fake confidence was made of silicone and retinol.  Should he continue?  Should he say more?  He remembered the look on Dawn’s face when she had handed the gun back to her today, smiling as she stole the Boxer from their lesson.

Yes.  More.

“Not true?  Who are you trying to convince?  Me or yourself?  What about all of the hundreds of scars that I can see even from here?”

She was shocked as she laughed at him, “Scars?  Ok, now I know you are just full of shi--”

“All of those follicles that you have had cauterized and burned shut.”

His eyesight was phenomenal but he really couldn’t see them from where he stood at this moment.  He’d actually noticed them when she had been quite close, leaning over him in the chair that night in the military base.  Regardless, he enjoyed the look at on her face now.

Her hand went up to her face, “There is no way you can see that.  You are disgusting.”  It was not just her face that she had burned the hair from, but her arms, her legs.  There were no doubts she’d burned the hair from other places as well.

“Disgusting?  Because I know you are not the embodiment of perfection itself?  Or because I know that everything you are is just a result of the latest trend of societal body mutilation?”

“Get out.”  She looked upset with near tears in her eyes but Quinlan doubted she was even possible of feeling that emotion fully.  Regardless he felt like he had won and he heard the bathroom door open and close finally.  He attempted to move past her and she reached out for him again, grabbing his arm and pulling her body close to him.

Hmmm.  The tears were a ruse.  They likely worked on more susceptible men?  Perhaps?  He remembered Goodweather’s words from the night before last:

“And the more you fight it, the more she’ll want it … ”

She brushed her breasts across his arm so that he could feel their volume fully and she reached for his face with one hand and her other hand glided down towards something else, Quinlan’s reaction was absolute and swift.  He was so much faster than she had anticipated, grabbing her shoulder as he flung her against the wall that this room shared with the living area and she hit it with a hard thud.

He pinned her wrists while he growled a threatening warning to her.  His anger was full of rattles as he squeezed her wrists and she wiggled under his grip, letting out a pleased groan at his action as she smiled and bit her lower lip.

Oh gods … This was not his intention.  She was enjoying this!  She was fucking toying with him!

He released her at once and stepped back towards the door.

This was done.

Dawn exited the bathroom, finally pleased with whatever she had done to herself and she was actually smiling until she heard Quinlan’s voice through the shut bedroom door.  As she entered the living area, everyone was staring at the wall that the room shared with the bedroom, with eyes wide and some mouths agape.  Dutch was standing next to it, looking somewhat guilty as it was obvious she had just had her ear pressed to it.

She was just about to ask what was going on when she heard something hit the wall forcibly, followed by the Doctor groaning something and then Quinlan growling and rattling loudly, causing Dawn’s jaw to drop completely open.

Oh my god …

     Are they … ?

        Is he … ?

            Did she …?

She remembered Eph’s voice from the night before last again:

“And, honestly, she’ll probably get what she wants in the end …”

She was almost certain she was going to throw up again and she grabbed her jacket quickly and fled the house as swiftly as she could before they could read the raw emotion that bubbled up and out of her eyes and the door slammed shut behind her as she walked down the steps and started to shuffled quickly towards the water.  She only made out a portion of Dutch’s voice as it called out to her, “Oy!  Wait, it’s not what--”

Someone had left the cabin, slamming the door behind them and he reached for the knob, wishing to vacate her presence at once.  “Oh come on … I know you can … what’s the problem?”  She knows he can?  He shot her a look of bafflement and she shrugged, “You were dreaming at the base … let’s just say it seemed like it was a good dream.”

Oh gods … the dream … he had been ... aroused?!

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Quinlan’s face flushed with heat caused by the sudden shame of her reveal.  Whatever look was on his face, it was easy for her to read, “You don’t need to be embarrassed about anything … and trust me … especially not about that.”

Something snapped inside of his head as he was suddenly reminded of when he had been a gladiator … of when he had been bought and used on a nightly basis by Patrician men and women, husbands and wives.  This woman wished to use him because she’d seen him?  Quinlan so very rarely lost his temper with anyone, especially humans.  They simply were not worth his effort, but he was not a slave any longer.

Never again.

His hand was on her throat before he fully realized it and she was back against the wall.  He could not make this pleasant for her and he gripped as her eyes widened.  His eyes were clear in their expression: Understand this will not be fun.

He whispered, “If you were a man, this behavior would be unacceptable.  If you were a man, I assure you that you would already be dead.  I told you not to touch me again.  I do not find you attractive nor beautiful nor desirable.”

She attempted to say something and he tightened his grip ever so slightly halting her words within her throat before he spoke softly again, “Listen to me carefully, temptress.”  It was a whispered hiss, barely audible, “You think you are beyond rules of basic societal politeness?  You think you can objectify others because simply because you have been objectified?”

She could not speak, she could barely even breath and he could see the color changing in her face as her hands came up and tried to push him away.  Futile.  “I have fucked thousands of women … thousands … I have had countesses, duchesses, princesses and even queens, most of whom were far more beautiful than you.”

He could see all of her scared follicles at this distance and there were more than he even remembered.  “And I remember none of them, I remember nothing about how the beautiful ones felt.  All women feel the same on the inside regardless of how they look on the outside, Doctor. ”

Her eyes had started to bulge a bit as she started to slap his chest, but his annoyance was ripe, “The most memorable fuck I have ever had was a mere plebeian woman whom you would have cringed to look upon.”

He smelled her neck deeply, fighting the gag that her chemicals invoked in him.  He did it to intimidate now.  “You wish to feel me inside you?  You wish me to penetrate you?  Perhaps I should just comply … however not in a manner that you will enjoy.”  He opened his mouth and slowly slipped his stinger from its tongue sheath, allowing the strigoi lubricating saliva to drip heavily from it as he pushed it towards the exposed skin of her neck beneath his grip.

Her eyes were frantic and her beating on his chest increased, she tried to kick at him now, to knee him, in her desperation and he released her once enough fear had crossed her face.

There it was … what he had been looking for.  He accomplished what he had intended as she would no longer see him as a man … she would see him for what he was … a monster.

She coughed as she lunged forward, grabbing for the bed as the blood rushed back to her head and she stumbled.  She couldn’t speak fully, but in a rasp she attempting an insult, “You are a fucking mons--”                                                

“A Monster?  Indeed, Doctor.  Do not underestimate the mercy I have shown you here … now.  If you were a man and you attempted to touch me as you have, you would already be dead.”

He reached for the handle, but before he opened the door he finished the conversation, “There will be no more games.  No more domination.  No more flirtations or manipulations.  If we have to speak again, I will not show mercy.”

He shut the door behind him and looked at all of the faces in the living area.  Fet’s face was easily the most shocked, Dutch was carrying a strangely massive grin on her face and she gave him a little thumbs up sign and Ephraim sighed heavily.

“What?”  He asked.

“Thin walls, ese.  Thin walls.”  Gus laughed as he shook his head.

“Do you feel better about yourself now?”  Ephraim asked, seemingly annoyed with Quinlan’s behavior.

“I do actually, yes.  She is a toxic person.”

“You didn’t have to be so mean.  She’s not a bad person.”  Ephraim was disappointed in him.  Hmmm.

Quinlan furrowed his nose at the Doctor, “Perhaps you need to … “ He paused, trying to remember the terminology that Dutch was so fond of, “... get your head out of your ass.  You are simply clouded by your desire to continue fucking her, Doctor.”

Utter silence fell across the room quickly and all eyes fell on Dutch suddenly as he heard her heart rate increase and her eyes fell to the floor.  He had never seen the Hacker move with such speed, as she grabbed her coat to exit the house and Ephraim tried to stop her, as he reached out.

“Wait wait wait!”

“DON’T TOUCH ME.  JUST DON’T.”  She tried to pull out of his grip and he refused to let her go and she continued, “It’s alright.  I kind already knew I think.”

“No, it’s not like that.  It’s NOT LIKE THAT.”  Ephraim was desperate.

“Then what exactly is it like, Love?”  She turned to Quinlan, “Was he fucking her at the base?  Was he fucking her while I was in jail?!  Was he?!”

Ephraim shook his head at the dhampir, begging him to say nothing and Quinlan hesitated briefly, but felt no real allegiance to the man.  The Hacker was a far better ally to keep and he nodded affirmatively to her, “Daily.”  There was an uncomfortable tension and he spoke again, “And nightly.”

In hindsight, perhaps he should have been more careful with his words though.  This was not good for the health of the unit either.

“It’s alright.  It’s O.K.  I’m pretty sure I already knew.”  She ripped herself out of his grip and tore out the door.  Ephraim tried to move to follow but Fet was on him, holding him back.

“Get out of my way, you son of a bitch!”  The Doctor spat at the big man and Quinlan looked over to Gus who was still shaking his head.  This was about to get violent and he inserted himself between the fighting man-children quickly, pushing them both back.

“Enough!”

Fet smiled, “You’ve always been a piece of shit, Doc.  She deserves better than you.”  And he was gone out the door to follow the upset Hacker.

Ugh.  Children.

Quinlan knew someone was missing and once he looked back towards the bathroom, Gus pointed to the front door, “She went that way.”  He exited the house in pursuit.

Ephraim collapsed back into one of the recliners and produced his flask again, taking a swig, “Fuck.”

Gus held his hand out for the flask and Ephraim begrudgingly shared with him, “W.W.Q.S., bruh.  W.W.Q.S.”

Ephraim cocked his head in confusion, “What?”

“What would Quinlan Say, man.”  Gus laughed.

“Fuck.  I fucking hate that woman.”

He found her sitting on the rotted dock, swinging her legs back and forth over its edge, just above the water with the hood pulled up and over her head.  It was exactly where she’d been sitting when she was pretend “fishing” and he quietly slid down next to her.  Ultimately she was quite shocked at his presence as she jumped.

“Holy fuck dude.  Do you think you can not do that?”

Quinlan shrugged as he eased into place beside her, “It is not intentional.  It is my nature.”

“Done already?  That was fast.”

She was shielding her face from him but he could tell she was obviously upset, “She will not bother you again.  I believe I have negotiated a … cease fire.”  He stated, quite pleased with himself and his clever wording.

“Oh?”  She wouldn’t turn to him, “Just like that?”

Just like that?  It actually wasn’t that easy nor that fast.  It had taken much longer to subdue that woman than he had assumed, “Yes.  I believe I was forceful enough about it.”

“I really don’t need details, Quinlan.”

Very well then, perhaps he would not speak of it further.  He wished to keep the details of her attempted rape to himself anyways.  Although he did feel a twinge of guilt over his unintentional outing of Goodweather, and he suddenly felt like he should confess it to her.  “I believe I may have upset Ms. Velders though.  I said something that perhaps I should not have--”

“I don’t really feel like chatting right now.”

Hmmm.  “Are you feeling bad again?”  Her curtness with him was concerning and he hoped perhaps there was something external causing it.

“I’m fine.  I came out here to be alone.  Can you just … “  She gulped, “... go away?”  At least this was less vulgar than the language she had used with him earlier when she was experiencing In Nexu.  

Looking down at his hands for a moment, he really did consider obeying her request, but first …

“Are you upset because I spoke to her for you?”

“Mr. Quinlan, I really don’t--”

“Should I have let you speak to her instead?  I did not mean to overstep any bounds but it did not seem like you liked to interact with her.”

“I guess you preferred to interact with her yourself, huh?”  Oh gods, what a tone she had used with him.  Quinlan did not like that, it was very … accusatory.

“You flee in her presence.  She is quite dominating, I can see how--”

“I don’t care what you do, O.K.?  You can do whatever you want.  You don’t need my permission.”  Wait … Had she been crying?  He could smell dried tears and something else along with them … a scent that he associated with Dutch.

Hmmm.  Her response did not really answer his question nor abate his growing concern, “Alright.  It was not my intention to disappoint you.”

They sat in silence for a moment until she finally spoke, disappointment thick in her fragile and broken little voice, “O.K., so … I know that what happens in the cabin stays in the cabin but … I just … I don’t know … I just didn’t think she was your type.”

“My type?”  He asked, but she was still speaking.

“I mean, I guess that’s not true … she’s everyone’s type.”

“Wait, my type?”  He questioned again, but she was still speaking, mostly to herself it seemed.

“But I just didn’t think … I don’t know … I guess I just didn’t think.  I’m … it’s O.K.”

Realization hit him.  Did she think that they …

“I have no right--”

“What are you assuming happened?”  He was almost insulted by her assumption suddenly.  With that woman?

“I … What do you mean?  I heard--”

“No.”

“What?”

“No.  That did not happen.”

“It sounded like--”

“No.  Absolutely not.”  He shook his head back and forth in denial, “While I did threaten to kill her, there was nothing else.”

“Oh.”  She was almost in disbelief, but he detected a hint of relief which made him smile slightly.

“Would you care?”  She offered no response and his grin widened, nudging her yet again, “Were you … jealous?”

“No.”

“Because, it seems as if--”

“No.”  He could tell from her tone that he was embarrassing her and he loved it.

“It is alright.  I have experienced jealousy very recently myself--”

“Quinlan.”  Her voice was imbued with obvious bashfulness, “I wasn’t jealous.  Stop.”

They were both quiet now and the air was full of thick tension as he considered what to say next.  He was enjoying making her squirm in .  He smiled even wider, nudging her with his shoulder gently again, “Did you really think there was time for that anyways?”

“I … I don’t know how long you ...”  She stuttered as his question obviously flustered her and he interrupted with a whisper.

“Rest assured … I will require much more time than that.”

Finally she turned towards him fully, sheer shock expressed on her face as he saw the color rush to her cheeks and this was the first time he saw the black streak that trailed down her left cheeks where her tears had trailed.

“What … “  His brows furrowed, “What is on your face?”  He flared his nostrils at her visage as she attempted to shriek back and hide it from him immediately, turning away and towards the water again as she began to rub her cheek with the back of her hand.

“Nothing … it’s nothing.”

The question was entirely rhetorical, as he knew exactly what was on her face.  He smelled this on Dutch’s face every day.  Is this what she was in the bathroom doing?  Painting her face?!  The fact that she had felt the need to do this infuriated him slightly, as he knew it was brought about by the Doctor’s presence.

He grabbed her chin with his right hand, turning her face back to him as he began to wipe at her with his left thumb and she protested greatly with grunts, pushing against his hands.

“Quinlan, STOP THAT!”  She demanded and tried to pull away from him but he kept going until he had removed the streak entirely.  He took a quick survey of her face while she tried to pull her chin away and he saw the missing hairs and the paint that was added to her eyebrows.

“Why are you painting yourself?!”  He spat at her while he gripped her chin tighter and tried to rub the makeup from her brows now forcefully.

“QUINLAN, STOP IT!  NNNNNNN!!!”  That last part wasn’t even a word that he could discern, it was just a grunt of displeasure.

“You do NOT need this.”  He was harsh as he worked his thumb against her face, attempting to cleanse it, but the thick paste was not relenting under his rubbing.  Perhaps with moisture?  He licked his right thumb and reached to try again and absolutely horror flew across her face.

“NO!, GRRRRRR. I’m not a child!”  Now it was a growl of annoyance.

“Yet you paint your face like one!  You wish to look like a clown, like Miss Velders?”  He disliked the amount of makeup that Dutch caked onto her face every day.  He thought she might be quite pretty underneath it all, but he’d never seen her without it.  He regretted not killing that woman even more now.

“No, NNNNNNN, GRRRRRR.”  The brown paste was underneath the hair and though he rubbed at it, it was not relenting to his glove and he growled.  She fought him fiercely until she finally gave in and sat still, her shoulders relaxing in sad compliance.  Her next words were laced with defeat and sorrow, “You … you think I look like a clown?”

Quinlan released her at once, surrendering to his own defeat, “No … that is not what I meant--”

His pending sentence was cut short as gunshots rang out in the distance.  They were very distant, but they heard them clearly, popping several miles away directly in front of them, coming from the other side of the lake.  North.

“Uh oh.”

“Go inside.”  He stood, pulling her up with him.

“But--”

“Inside NOW.”  This was not a discussion, “I will investigate.”  He watched her sprint back to the cabin and shut the door. He heard it lock before he turned back to the direction of the conflict.

Damn.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #72

hey ya’ll, kinda conflicting moods in this survey; the earlier, dreary-sounding answers, please do not worry about them, as i took this over the course of longer than a week.  i was hospitalized this past week and am currently home safe again.  i just don’t feel like going back changing answers, lol.

are you currently distressed about anything?   yes, quite a bit.  i found the gem to the ring jason gave me, but i can't find the ring itself... i really wanna fix it and wear it.  i'm pretty damn upset about the situation, considering how much i cherish anything i've ever had from him. do you like your pop tarts toasted or cold?   i like them how they are in the package. do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom?   i prefer the front, 'cuz i can see better and i feel more obligated to engage. what’s your least favorite flavor of candy?   orange do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?   no. which is worse: living where there’s lots of tornadoes or lots of hurricanes?   tornadoes, definitely.  i live where there are plenty of hurricanes, and the last one we had that was truly devastating was floyd, and that occurred when i was a very young child.  tornadoes, meanwhile, are more immediately dangerous. have you ever seen a black rose?   no, but i would loooove to... do you like pie?   no, actually. if you died right now, how would you feel about your life?   it was a nightmare. do you have any morbid interests?   gore and guts.  bones.  death itself, kinda. if someone were to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?   no.  i'm currently waiting for the suicide hotline's online chat room to open up.  i've been a wreck all evening and google searched something i shouldn't have; google gave me the number to the hotline as well as the option to chat online.  i broke the fuck down.  i've been waiting for a spot to open for like ten minutes... have you ever thrown up from working out?   no, but i know i've been close. do you have any gay family members?   i think i have an uncle who is? would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn?   fuck yes i would be. (new day.) would you date someone who still lived with their parents?   uhhh, why wouldn't i...? would you have to sleep with someone before marrying them?   nope. would you enjoy a night of playing video games?   very much so. would you watch a porno with your partner?   absolutely not. would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends?   errr... i hate admitting this, but no.  it's suspicious. coffee or tea?   i have a strong dislike of both, really. when was the last time you climbed a tree?
   never; nc doesn't really have climbable trees, just pines. what clubs do/did you participate in at school?
   i was in the art club and shit, what was it called... it was for honors students... what is something you and your best friend say/do that seems strange to an outsider?
   act gay as hecke do you like to sleep near the wall, the middle, or the open side of the bed?
   open side. what’s the strangest rumor that has ever been spread about you?
   a rumor started in high school that jason and i had had a baby.  a rachel is who told the person who told me, soooo i'm not stupid.  i know which rachel started it. how involved were you in the drama of your high school?   not at all. do you like to cuddle while you are sleeping?   all night, no.  when jason and i were dating, i would usually begin sleeping cuddled with him, but would pull away during the night because i got hot. what are you favorite places to be touched?
   i'm guessing you mean sexually?  personally my breasts are very sensitive to touch. do you like lip biting?   again, in a sexual context?  sure. describe your first date.   jason took mom and me to see "ghost rider 2."  i personally thought it was very cute that he wanted mom to come, too. what really goes on in your head?   memories, poisoned with remorse.  i'm always looking back and missing how things used to be.  death and decay goes on in my head.  passions pass away, and the darkness that i try so hard to keep in the back of mind envelops its entirety more and more each time i weaken.  i don't mean to sound all dark or poetic, it's just... how i describe things.  i wish just one person would understand exactly what's happening up there. do other people’s opinions mean anything to you?   sometimes. have you ever just wanted to run away to see who would follow?   i have run away, and nearly got the police on my ass. have you ever had a hamster as a pet?   multiple times.  all were assholes. who do you really need in your life?   jason.  yet he's not here. way down in there’s any part of you sad at all?   all parts of me are sad. what’s your favorite type of insect?   i really love butterflies, moths, dragonflies, ladybugs... is there anything worrying you right now? if so, have you talked to anyone about it?   when am i not worried...  i'm so scared jason won't come back.  the last person i talked to about it was virginia, his mom.  i was suicidal last night and was very, very sincerely contemplating killing myself, and i wanted to talk to him, because i feel like he's the only one who can talk me out of it.  so i found their number and called their house past midnight.  i talked to virginia; jason had just gone to bed, and she didn't want to wake him up.  she's such a sweet woman...  she tried so hard to help, but it was all in vain. apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight?   cry, i'm sure. does anyone see you as a role model?   i'm certain that's a no. what is something that you’ve recently learned?   it's very likely i have bpd. what is your most expensive possession?   the laptop jason gave me... but it's broken right now. what’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had?   aside from mental illness, the worst physical illness was just a REALLY bad stomach virus.  i've never even had the flu. are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day?
   if i ever get married... then yeah.  it's one of my fairytales. what kind of music do you tend to like?   heavy metal, some harder rock. do you have any mental disorders?   and they're going to kill me. do you believe everything happens for a reason?   fuck that. do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart?   yes. do you live in the moment?   i live in the past. how many more minutes until you will next eat?   i should've eaten an hour ago.  but i'm too upset to be hungry. what do/did you normally get detentions for?   i only ever got detention for too many tardies. what do you currently hear?   "i don't love you" by my chemical romance, my typing, my sniffling, and my heart pounding in my head. do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids?   i won't have kids anyway.  i don't even know why i'm spending my time doing this survey.  i'm procrastinating on looking for any sleeping pills in the house.  i'm done. do you like the band a skylit drive?   i like their cover of "love the way you lie" who’s someone you want to see right now?   jason.  he could stop this.  i know he could. have you ever been stung by anything?   no, i haven't. have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren’t supposed to?   no, i fucking hate people who do that. are you paranoid?   only always. (next week) are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments?   nope. would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? which one seems best?   hmmm.  teleport, i guess. do you like soda pop? if so, which is your favorite and least favorite?   i sadly do.  i loooove mountain dew, and i really hate pepsi. does it annoy you when surveys ask questions about controversial topics, or do you like arguing your point?   i like controversial questions, honestly.  i like making a point. are there any specific piercings you would never, ever get done?   the only piercing i would never get, even for a ludicrous amount of money, is around my private area.  nope. assuming you had sufficient funds, would you be capable of living alone, paying bills and looking after yourself properly?   honestly, no.  probably not. do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby?   meeee! were either of your parents baptized?   idk the last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit?   ha ha omg, a mosh pit at an alice cooper concert in north carolina... that'd be a sight to see. does your bathroom have a theme to it?   nope. when you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken?   burgers, almost always. are you self-conscious of your smile?   yes, because my eyes squint. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?   writing.  sometimes drawing. what color do you really want to dye your hair?   GRAY.  mom won't let me. :( sunrise or sunset?   sunset is prettier, imo. what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?   i love some of the petnames colleen calls me, honestly.  it's just sweet. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.   socks suck.  period.  i avoid them at all costs. have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?   how flexible you think i am, fam? do you play the wii?   very rarely. be honest, did fifty shades of grey arouse you in any way?   i didn't read/watch it, and i have no plans to. do have faith in yourself?   lmao did you parents know what gender you were before you were born?   i'm not sure, actually.  i do know, however, everyone first thought i was a boy; i always had my legs crossed in the ultrasound.  mom, however, "knew" i was a girl. does your mother still take care of you if you get ill?   not really.  like i guess if i called her to get me some ginger ale or something, she'd do it, but i kinda just take care of myself. is there a certain topic that you struggle to talk about, because it makes you feel uncomfortable?   not really. if you’re not in college, why?   because i mentally cannot handle the stress it causes. do you try to avoid burping in public, or are you open about it?  after all, it is a normal bodily function.   i'm very discreet about it normally, just because of social standards.  around family and very close friends, i don't give a shit. do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]?   i like the fruity flavors. what do you think is the dumbest / tackiest piercing?   i don't really know. have you ever requested a song on the radio?   no. would you ever dye your hair black?   i have before and i loved it. when did you last see the person you love/like? when will you next see them?   i saw him yesterday... and i probably never will again... is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind atm? do you think that person will be thinking about you too?   he always is, and i can absolutely guarantee he's not thinking about me. do you know the star sign of the last person you kissed?   he's an aquarius, like me. what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it?   got sexual on my parents' bed, i guess. who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? are you attracted to that person?   jason, and yeah... do you currently have any medicine in your bag / purse / etc? if so, what kind?   no, i'm not allowed to.  i overdosed the other day. what do you like on your pasta / noodles? sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.?   sauce, always. are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? why or why not?   no, because love should be very openly celebrated. do you think teenagers can be in love?   absolutely.  i was and still am now from the same relationship as an adult. how fast does your mood change?   0-100 real quick, boo. at this moment in time if you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you who’s would it be?   uhhh... literally no one's.  i just wouldn't.  well uh, i guess if it was life or death, uhhh... probably jason's, honestly??  but realistically, i never would get anyone's?? what’s your all-time favorite COMEDY movie?   hm.  maybe "white chicks" or "rush hour 2" how old is your most recent ex?   he's 23. how many keys are on your key chain?   two how does your hair look right now?   it's all big and suuuuper curly!!!  chelsea did it. :D does your house have a white picket fence?   nope. do you wear bracelets?   no, never. when was the last time you had sex?   never. #regret do you have a wild side?   only j's seen it, honestly... heh. what is your favorite thing about going to your grandma’s house?   literally.  nothing. who did you last have an alcoholic drink with?   chelsea.  good day. where do you plan on living within the next few years?   probably the same 'ole north carolina. do you have an addiction?   debatably the internet, but i honestly consider it more of a dependence. if you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?   2016, absolutely. do you believe you should change who you are for the person you love?   to a degree, sure. when you’re home alone, do you still keep the door closed when you shower?   the bathroom door is open, my room door is closed. do you currently have a hickey?   i wish ha ha. now your cell phone, what color is it?   black. how many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed?   plenty of times. what color is your hair?   ruby red, with redder highlights and brown roots coming in. your parents are divorced/married/separated?   divorced have you ever let someone be your everything?   and i'm a broken person because of it. do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like?   no.  he made it clear i deserve to suffer for giving up. have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?   ahhh, yes. (: have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed?   no. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside.  feel safer/cozier. have you ever had sex or something like it?   something like it, sure, but not actual sex. have you ever worn fishnets?   i don't think so... but maybe for dance? do you always wear your seat belt?   yep. have you ever liked someone much older than you?   not seriously. are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   oh god.  heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, asthma, cancer, depression, bipolarity, more shit i'm forgetting... do you have asthma?   no. are tongue piercings slutty?   ... no? last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yep. what’s your second favorite color?   pink, probably. how many times have you been so drunk you didn’t remember the night before?   never. what sexual kinks do you personally enjoy, if any?   i actually had to look up some kinks bc idk if some things are considered kinks or not?  evidently even something as common as spanking is, and i'm into that very mildly.  anr (i think that's be abbreviation, probably wrong...) is something that's like guaranteed to turn me on.  i also like feeling/acting sexually submissive in general, but i deeefinitely wouldn't consider it to the point of the dom/sub kink. ever faked an orgasm?   no. own some type of work out machine?   not anymore. ever wanted to be a vet?   i did as a child, yes. ever flashed someone you liked?   i maybe have to jason, while alone with him, but even then i'm not certain i ever have. ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   first job i had for a month or two.  second, like, four days. do you have a favorite sexual position, even if you’re a virgin?   missionary is all i've ever tried and i'm fine with that. ever done oral? with how many people?   yes, one. what condom brand do you use?   i don't use them because i don't have sex.  on the one occasion jason bought condoms just to be safe in case we chose to, i'm not sure what brand he got... do you use flavored/scented/glow-in-the-dark/neon/ribbed condoms?   again, i don't use them, but also once more, on the one occasion jason bought some, they were just normal. what about facebook - do your grandparents use facebook?   my maternal grandmother does. do you have any text messages from your ex, or have you deleted them all?   no.  the phone i've had i got after the breakup, so. tell me 3 facts about the first person you had a relationship with.   i've "dated" three people, but i've definitely only had a romantic relationship with one, so i'm using him in this question.  he loves games of all kinds, he's a huge joker (particularly heath ledger's) fan, and he's studying computer engineering/he's in his last semester. think about your last ex. do you still find him/her attractive?   he's very handsome, yes. do you regret kissing the last person you kissed?   i never will. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   nope. if someone were to ask you out right now, would you say yes?   the only person i'd say yes to would be jason. what was the last thing you took medication for?   my tremors. if someone offered you sex right now, how would you respond?   again, i'd only yes to jason. do you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?   i don't think i found the person, i know i did.  yet i can't. be honest, what do you want more than anything at this moment in time?   i just want to cuddle with jason. have you had any conversations recently that made you feel uncomfortable or upset?   i talked to jason, face-to-face, two days ago to assist me in gaining closure.  very long story short, i was quiiite upset after he left. what’s the farthest away from home you have ever been?   michigan the last person you had a thing with calls wanting to hang out. what do you do?   say "of course!" in probably the most excited voice ever. what is your favorite shade of blue?   hmm.  navy, i assume. what ozzy lyric describes you best?   a suRVEY QUESTION REGARDING MY FAVORITE ARTIST???  HELL YEAH!!  anyway, i've felt a resonance with "you don't have to leave the lights on; i'm so used to being blind" from "tomorrow" for many years. what was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most?   giving up on just that: life. what is love really about?   it's science, but also something inexplicable.  it's the perfect combination of your brain's "happy hormones," and only that one person can achieve that certain mixture.  granted, there are different kinds of love, and each one is unique. what metallica lyric most describes your life?   wHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, ANOTHER QUESTION W/ ANOTHER FAVORITE ARTIST???  I WANNA MARRY THE SURVEY MAKER PLS.  um anyway let's see, i could really list a few.  first, i wanna say i feel a VERY strong connection to "the unforgiven ii" as a whole; all the lyrics mean very much to me.  but if you want a particular lyric, these couple mean the world: "how can i be lost, if i've got nowhere to go? / and how can i blame you, when it's me i can't forgive?" from "the unforgiven iii"  omgggg i could keep going on ;-; ever been to ozzfest?   girl, I WISH. what's the most illegal thing you've done?   just downloading music.  wait actually, probably downloading an expensive program illegally. ever have a tornado in your town?   i don't think so. what percentile of your class were you in?   idk about numbers, but the very top.  i got an award for it.  idk what ever happened... can you name every place you've ever had sex?   i've never had sex, but i've gotten sexual on my bed, his bed, the floor, the couch, the chaise... what forms of birth control have you used?   abstinence is... pretty flawless. handcuffs or rope :D?   errr, i'm guessing you're addressing being tied up sexually?  i'm... kinda into the idea of being handcuffed to something, maybe. *shrugs* ever grown any plants before? what were they?   habaneros, zinnias, sunflowers... how many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide?   three.  i was going to slit my throat on two occasions, and on the last, i overdosed. what is your favorite cover song?   "hurt" by johnny cash.  "another brick in the wall" by korn is a close second. ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months?   nope. strangest medical procedure ever performed on you?   idk, i guess just getting tubes put in my ears. if you ever got a tattoo, where would you get it?   i already have three and want loads more like... everywhere.  most specifically though, i think sternum tattoos are drop-dead gorgeous. could you ever go vegetarian?   no.  i enjoy meat too much. how do you fall asleep? [i.e, listening to music, reading, daydreaming…]   just thinking... have you ever been chased by bees?   omg no. what is your opinion on homosexuality?   it's a mutation, but that does not make it wrong. what is your biggest fear in life?   being alone in life.  not being able to function properly in the "real world" is a close second. when was the last time you kissed someone?   2015 are you sick quite often or hardly at all?   hardly at all.  proud of that 'ole immune system. has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   apparently. do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more?   chocolate, definitely. does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much?   no, but i actually have noticed something: it began to bother me ever so slightly more after jason passed out from me getting my blood taken that one time.  i think it's because of how i look up to and see him in general, seeing him react to something like that, a part of my brain wants to believe "omg that has to be dangerous then."  but in general, i don't really have issue with getting my blood drawn. who would you say is your best friend at the moment?   colleen.  always. how long have you two been best friends?   over two years. do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   it's not something i dwell on, but i know i'm not. have you ever tried opening your eyes under water?   i have, and i'm bad at it. have you ever been admitted to the hospital?   only six times. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies, i think. how old is your pet?   teddy is ten, cali isss... three, i think, bentley's not even a year, and lexi is around two, probs. do you listen to artists who consist more of guys, girls, or both?   i seem to prefer male artists. what’s your first tattoo?   a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. what song do you listen to when you’re sad?   "perfectly flawed" by otep is common.  hence my tattoo. <3 is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?   not anymore. are you scared about the end of the world?   not really, because i don't think i'll be around to see it. will you ever get a tattoo?   i have three and want more.  my next tattoo will be an adaptation of "denialism" by deviantart's tatchit.  look it up, it is honestly a phenomenal work of art. when you get yelled at, do you yell back or let it go?   well first, i get triggered.  yelling triggers memories of my parents fighting so much.  odds are, i'll yell back, but it really depends. do you share a computer with your siblings?   nooo. do you have mood swings?   badly. do you have any bruises on you?   yes, from getting my blood drawn so much recently.  the iv left a good one. have you had sex today?   girl, i wish. has the last person you kissed ever made you cry?   plenty of times. be honest with yourself, are you proud of your actions?   some yes, some no.  it just.  varies.  for the most part, i guess so, like i can't deny i'm a fighter, but i just feel weak sometimes. if you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?   honestly, i would get a tiny heart on the side of my face if it wasn't for societal standards and the strong odds of unemployment for having a tat on my face. what is something you find romantic?   flowers, picnics, walks in the park, oh man, i could go on for HOURS.  you can make SO many things romantic. what makes you attracted to the person you like right now?   his personality. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?   rape is #1 for me.  just don't. would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship?   castle, hell yeah!! has someone ever made you a build-a-bear?   OMG NO I WOULD DIE THAT'D BE PRECIOUS what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. what is your definition of “having sex”?   penal-vaginal penetration. who was the last person you were “in a relationship with” on facebook (including anyone you may have put “in a relationship with” for a joke)?   jason. do you think a relationship with a 16-year-old girl and a 35-year-old man would work out? do you think age differences like that (when they’re under 18) should be legal?   they should absolutely not be legal.  just... no.  i don't support big age gaps like that. what do you think of open relationships? if your partner suggested it, what would you say?   HA.  no.  and if he suggested it, i'd leave his ass. would you ever date out of your race?   mhmm. have you ever had a reptile for a pet?   i've had one lizard, two snakes. what kinds of alcohol do you like?   only ever tried mike's hard lemonade and smirnoff, and both are fine. did you have a swing set when you were a kid?   yup. state you most want to visit?   utah.  fucking gorgeous. were you popular in high school?   definitely not. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind, definitely.  i once asked jason this and he said blind, too, "because i have to be able to hear your voice." ;;;-;;; where do you want to live when you are old?   in the mountains, in the woods, in the chilly weather, pls. have you ever been in love?   absolutely.  with reckless abandon. have you ever caught a fish?   many many times. what was your most recent ex’s middle name?   alex. do you put anything weird on your scrambled eggs? (like syrup)   just hot sauce. what is your states minimum wage?   $7.25, save us.

[callie-the-snarky-geek-blog]

RWBY V6 CH4 Review: So That’s How It Is

(Old Blog Repost)

Already we're entering Chapter 4, and it's been one Hell of a ride so far. Even Volume 3 waited until the halfway mark to start dealing out the emotional blows. This one? It started in Chapter 2 and doesn't show any signs of holding back. At last the answers regarding Ozpin, who he is, and of his conflict with Salem have been answered. Now the question is, how will our heroes react to it? Well... only one way to find out, I supposed.

Overview

The reaction is... bad. Its... its bad. With the revelation that Salem can't be destroyed, Team RWBY are furious, Yang outright yelling at a tearful Ozpin for hiding this. Ruby, while clearly unhappy, keeps her composure as she asks Ozpin exactly what his plan is to defeat Salem. Ozpin, clearly broken down from both his secrets being out and having to relieve his most painful memories, finally admits that he has no plan. This is the straw that breaks the camels back for, of all people, Qrow. He outright punches Ozpin. He doe sit so hard that he sends him flying into a nearby tree. Yeah, way to forget that it's Oscar's body buddy. Qrow starts to lament on how no one wanted him due to his bad luck, and through Ozpin it felt like he finally had a purpose and could do good. Ozpin trying to tell him that he is doing good falls on deaf ears as Qrow says that meeting him was clearly the worst luck of his like. This shocks, and even seems to hurt Ozpin, and all that he can do is say that he may be right.

In that moment, Ozpin switches back to Oscar, left to feel the sting of the hit. He confirms that Ozpin is gone and when Yang furiously tells him to tell the bastard (IDK why people make her saying that a big deal when she cursed last volume to) that they aren't done, Oscar clarifies that Ozpin has locked himself away in the depths of his mind... they're mind... yeah all of this is causing the poor kid to break down and have an existential crisis. The girls are mad that Ozpin left, wondering what to do when finally, Maria rejoins the story by yelling at them to stop. She points out that it'll be dark soon as she helps Oscar to his feet, so it's best that they follow a nearby trail and get a move on. Yang starts to turn her anger on her because how dare an old woman point out that they're spewing negativity and becoming Grimm magnets, but Maria puts her foot down and refuses to freeze to death. She even says that she understands that they're upset, but right now they aren't making it any better.

So everyone gathers whatever supplies that they can as they start to finally move. Ruby, now having the Relic, goes to give Oscar back the cane. Oscar starts to wonder if all he's going to be is another one of Ozpin's many lives. Ruby starts to assure him that no, he is his own person... only for Qrow to tell her to quit lying as they are better than that. I have... a LOOOT of not nice things to say about this moment, but Ill save it for when we get to the review section. Oscar just starts walking, Ruby clearly uneasy at all of this before also walking. Well that was soul crushing!

Lets give the heroes a break for a bit and talk about the villains. Hazel, Emerald, and Mercury return to Salem's domain, Emerald clearly still in shock form the entire thing. They are greeted by Tyrian, who I guess was just sleeping all of last volume or something. He starts to mock the fact that it appears that Cinder is dead, provoking Emerald to draw her weapons on him. It reminds me a LOT of that moment in Bleach when Gin Ichimaru decided to go to Rukia and offer to help her avoid execution before revealing that he's joking just to watch her break down because he reignited her hopes. Tyrian's just as creepy, as displayed when he is unfazed by the threat, even cutting himself on Emerald's blade just to show how unfazed he truly is. To my shock, Mercury actually steps in and tells Tyrian to back off. Yes, Mercury. I still hate him for Volume 3, but you know what? Mercury you won a point! Good job dude! Tyrian goes on to say that hes also upset, because they have failed their goddess. He starts to laugh manically as the three just walk away, Emerald clearly unnerved. You know what Tyrian Go back to sleep. No one missed you!

A bit later, the trio is standing before a clearly unhappy Salem. At first her demeanor is clam as she asks Hazel how the mission failed before rephrasing the question into asking who it is that's responsible for the failure. Hazel accepts the blame... which may be the noble thing, but it turns out to be the wrong answer. Salem rises, outright throwing the table aside as she points out that they all know who is to blame. She then summons up some of those Grimm tentacle arms that we saw in the opening, which proceed to hold Hazel own and I assume may be suffocating him. Well if I wasn't afraid of Salem before, this chapter fixed that! Thanks a lot CRWBY!

Salem turns to Emerald for an answer and terrified out of her mind, the third admits that it was Cinder who caused the failure. This is what Salem was working for as she tells Emerald to come to understand the failure... and that it is why Cinder must be isolated until she redeems himself. Emerald and Mercury are shocked to hear that Cinder is alive with even Watts questioning how Salem would know that. But he takes it back when Tyrian points out that he's questioning their 'savior', aka the scary Grimm lay whose still potentially suffocating Hazel. Salem tells them of how they shouldn't put their desires above her own,a after all only she can lead them to those desires. Damn, and I thought her God complex in the backstory was bad...

Salem finally frees Hazel, saying that they have to press on. She starts to make plans to get the Relic of Destruction form Vacuo... until Hazel reveals that he has more to report. He reveals that the heroes are on their way to Atlas with the Relic... and are being led by Ozpin. Well good thing that none of them know about the current discourse, haha. But the fact that Ozpin is already back understandably concerns everyone... when the windows suddenly start to crack. We see Salem resonating dark energy as she coldly, but firmly tells everyone to leave. They all comply, Hazel even pulling away poor Emerald, as she just looks on in shock before the doors close. Salem seems to calm down at first...before letting out an angry shout, the windows shattering to pieces. Sure hope that she has an interior decorator on hand.

Back with the good guys, they're all still clearly upset and tense form everything. At this point, they just want to get the Relic mission over with. The snow is continuing to fall with no sign of stopping however when Ruby hears something. The group stumbles upon what seems to be an abandoned farm called Brunswick Farms. Since the snow isn't going to let up, they decide to take shelter there and get some rest. And the chapter ends with our heroes passing through the gate, the only background sound being that of the cold, blowing winds.

Review

Damn, for a thirteen minute episode, this episode caused a LOOOT of discourse. Not bad discourse mind you, I haven't seen anyone call this a bad episode. And it isn't. This was a very good, well-written episode showcasing our heroes emotions as all that they learned settle in. There re of course a lot of things that need to be talked about, and we're going to get there. But lets go ahead and get the villains out of the way before we dive into the deep stuff.

Now that we have the backstory, this entire moment felt a lot more unnerving than any of the villains previous scenes. First, Tyrian is just as creepy as he was in Volume 4. His blind praising of Salem comes off as even more disturbing now that we know that she HAS presented herself as a God so long ago. He's pretty much a devout cult fanatic willing to do anything for the one that he worships and is so clearly sick and twisted in how he mocks Emerald. Yeah I hate Cinder and I think that Emerald would be better without her in her life, but MAN mocking the poor girl about Cinder's apparent demise like that was just... wrong. Oh God was it wrong.  But still, kudos to Mercury finally showing some decency and standing up for Emerald. Nice to see that he DOES have a soul... to a degree, but hey he's better than Tyrian.

I am also jut loving Hazel more and more. He may be on the bad guys side, but he's clearly the most noble of the bunch. He was willing to take the full blame for the failures, even though Cinder 100% deserves to be blamed, and actively seemed to be looking out for Emerald as well. It shows that the villains aren't just the 'mwahaha lets do bad things cause BAD!' kinds of villains. I like those kinds of villains when done right, like The Joker and (if it pans out well in S17) Genkins in the current Red vs Blue storyline. Hell, Felix (who Miles also created) can probably count from that show also. But its also good to see when the bad guys have depth and deeper emotions to them. It makes them all the more compelling as characters. Right now Hazel, who displays many noble traits, and Emerald, a terrified girl stuck in a very bad position, are probably the most compelling and I am greatly looking forward to what the story has in store for them.

And of course there's Salem. Now that we've seen how she fell down the wrong path, it makes her all the more terrifying here. While you feel sympathy for her throughout last chapter's flashback, here? You have no idea what she's going to do, and it's unnerving. Up until last week, Salem was an intimidating but very calm figure. Her demeanor never broke, at worst she raised her voice like... once. Even when Leo told her about the plan's failure,s he looked almost bored at the news as she silently had her Grimm kill him. But now? She goes form still calm to throwing tables, nearly suffocating Hazel,a and using blatant emotional manipulation on Emerald to put all of hr minions in line. I'll give her this, she did look legit sad about having to leave Cinder behind and she is giving her a chance to redeem herself, but still. When she finally snaps, I was in the same state as Emerald: shocked and fearful. With Ozpin now back, chances are Salem is going to double down on her efforts, and the results are not going to be pretty.

Alright, with that out of the way, lets get to the heroes side of things. Now there isn't a lot to say about the ending. That's clearly setting up for next week and is just them entering an abandoned farm. So while I've got worries, especially since that one tunnel looked a LOT like the one Ruby was in during the opening, we're just going to see what happens next week. But with how this volume has been so far, be very afraid. For now though, lets talk about the aftermath of Ozpin's secrets being revealed, and the fallout that came with it.

There has been a LOT of debate about the characters actions these past three chapters. Was it right to use the Relic to find out Ozpin's secrets? I'm gonna say no, especially for what we found out, but as I said before after all this time they had the right to know. But clearly none of them were prepared for it. Now the better thing to have done was seek shelter first, clam down, talk about it, and if Ozpin kept refusing then at worst they could get the Relic when he wasn't in control or something and asked the question. But considering the circumstances, there was no way that they were going to do the sensible thing. So yeah, they just found out Ozpin's dark backstory and find out that Salem can't be defeated.

So here's the first thing that I want to address. While the way that everyone reacts was NOT the way to go about it, the emotions that they feel? Those are 100% justified. Look, I feel horrible for Ozpin and again, they could have handled how they reacted to it a LOT better. But they also just found out that it looks like Salem can't be defeated. Ozpin has no plan. He is leading them on a suicide mission. One where yeah, they can fight back and thwart Salem's plans over and over, but it will in the end mean nothing. Now I do think that Ozpin is ultimately doing the best that he can in his current situation, after all it's better to fight back than just throw your hands up and wait for death to come. But if you were in a war where in the end, the bad guy couldn't be defeated and you had to fight endlessly, knowing that you will die in vain, how would you feel? I think I'd just outright break down if I were put int hat position. Of course they're going to be angry about it. They just got all of this dumped onto them (and yeah it is kind of their own fault for not considering that, but still), we can't expect them to just be okay with it. They're reacting to their immediate emotions an hopefully, now that they have a chance to breathe, they can look at everything and calm down.

Ozpin is also justified in his reaction. Yeah locking himself away and indirectly meaning that Oscar has to feel the brunt of the aggression was shitty, but you can understand hwy. He new that if anyone knew the truth he'd get the blame and everyone would be angry at him. As hurt as he seemed by Qrow's reaction, eh didn't seem shocked about it either. Heck, eh didn't seem to blame any of them for how they reacted, even saying that maybe they were right. He's holding onto so much guilt and as he feared, with the truth out no one trusts him and blame him for it. There a LOT of morality questions about if Ozpin hiding all that he did was right or not. I think at the very least, those working for him need to know and if he' was honest about it, they'd have probably been uncertain and scared, but they may have still sided with him in hopes of one day finding a solution. Ozpin painted himself as a liar and untrustworthy and no matter how understandable it is, it was in the end the wrong thing to do. But again, it's really hard to blame him since that knowledge would likely cause panic and get them all killed sooner. He was screwed no matter what he did.

In the end, my opinion is that both sides are right and wrong. QRWBY are right to be angry and upset with all the revelations, but getting angry and outright punching poor Oscar was going too far. Ozpin's shouldn't have lied and lead people on regardless of the reasons, but he's also a clearly damaged person who has been trying to make things right despite all the hopelessness surrounding his situation. All of the reactions have been very human and emotional. This is probably why it's a good thing that we have a character like Maria in all of this. She is someone who seems wise and is uninvolved in the conflict. She can look at both sides without bias and understand why everyone feels how they feel, but can also bring attention to what their emotions are blinding them to. Seriously, with her helping Oscar, taking none of Yang's shit, and getting them all to actually focus on not dying, Maria has become an instant favorite. I love her!

So now lets talk about the part that I did not like. That is Qrow's jab at Oscar. Now the punch was harsh, put he clearly meant it for Ozpin so I can look at it as him reacting in blind anger. I still want him to apologize to Oscar later, but I can understand and forgive that. What I CANNOT forgive is how he treats Oscar like he is nothing but Ozpin's vessel. Umm... asshole, no eh isn't. Ruby was NOT lying to him when she assured him that he isn't just one of Oz's lives. Oscar is a young kid thrust into a very difficult, scary situation but he chose to do the right thing. He decided to train to defend himself and to help in whatever way that he can. He has a ton of baggage piled up on top of him, and so far he is handling better than many would if in his shoes. He is kind, heroic, and has a good heart. He is NOT just another of Ozpin's lives. He is Oscar Pine. He is his own person. And you have the gull to essentially put this kid down, while he's in the middle of a breakdown over his identity, because of how hurt yourself feel.

No

That is NOT okay.

It's not wrong toward just Oscar, but even towards Ruby. This girl is handling all of this incredibly well. She never shouts and when Oscar switched back, she was immediately concerned about him and unnerved by her team's reactions. And after all of it, because of how kind of a person she is, she tries to assure this clearly troubled kid that he is not just one of Ozpin's lives. He is his own person. And you berate her for lying. You told Ruby, your own niece, that she is a liar because she tried to comfort someone and assure them that they are more than what they think that they are. Look, I know that Qrow is upset and hurt. I do feel bad for him. But that jab was just... unnecessarily cruel towards both Oscar and Ruby. I am really hoping that Qrow will realize this later and apologize for that because Oscar has done NOTHING wrong. Hell, he's the one who told them about the Relic, so clearly he's on their side. I probably feel worst for Oscar than anyone else and I really hope that the volume cuts him a break soon. But yeah, that just... really made me uncomfortable.

So... what happens now? I think that everyone will either start to calm down or it just lingers before someone finally snaps. Regardless, clearly something is going to happen in this abandoned farm. Going off past episode, abandoned anywhere in this show is bad. Lets just hope that for our heroes sakes, they can work through this.

Final Thoughts

This was the perfect followup. The characters emotions are perfectly displayed, Salem is more horrifying than ever, and I just felt tense and on edge throughout. We all were expecting the fallout to be bad, but boy IDT we were expecting this. It's been one Hell of a ride so far, and we're not even halfway done yet. Lets hope that it doesn't run out of steam before then. As far as this chapter goes though, it was an emotional punch to what is already an emotional situation, and I'm probably going to be recovering from it until next week. Good work CRWBY!

[theblognoonewillread-blog1]

2017 - A Toxic Year

The year 2017 draws to a close as, arguably, one of the very worst years to hit mankind since World War II. On a national level and on a personal level for me, the year was laden with all kinds of difficulties, ill will, and major setbacks.

On the national level, the man currently occupying the White House should never have been seated. There were many institutions that could have intervened – the Supreme Court, the armed forces, federal judges – that didn’t. Especially dismaying is that – in theory – Democrats apparently were fine with throwing their hands up and saying “wait until 2018.”

But the current administration has done so much damage in just one year that waiting until 2018 was an absurd notion. In smaller, more ragtag countries – the Ukraine, Romania – they didn’t wait for corruption to take hold, the people got at the dictators and deposed them directly. Yet so many people have been given the impression that the “system” will work things out – a euphemism for “you’re screwed until the next election.”

The list of destruction is unparalleled. Undoing nearly everything the previous administration accomplished. Making a mockery of communicating with the press. Embarrassing and even antagonizing our allies. Refusing to come clean on legitimate accusations. Abdicating his responsibilities by spending more time on vacation than any other sitting president. Lying outright to his followers. Standing accused of fraud in one or more of his personal businesses. The list goes on and on.

The GOP through their cheating and gerrymandering have created voting patterns that make it hard for them to lose their seats – preventing the true reflection of voters’ preferences. That majority, it’s been said, will never bring this administration to account or punishment. It’s a huge shame – as justice waits, millions lose their security, civil rights, even their lives.

The current occupant of the White House was a major watershed for others like him – pushy, abrasive, selfish, unethical, bigoted. They made their approval of him and others like him very vocal. What would have been considered disqualifying traits decades ago, now, with today’s media, is just considered another shade of distinction. And the attitude spread quickly in the early days of this year – many reports of high school students taunting Hispanics with baited words were common in the early days of the year. Racial and sexual minorities feared, rightfully, for their well-being and safety.

Even sadder, one sixth of the US population voted for this man for a variety of reasons. Apologists tried to spin it was “not everyone who voted for him is a racist.” Perhaps. But how do you seat a president who runs a fraudulent – if not failing – business empire, known for ripping off his employees?  My own personal opinion? Anyone that voted for this man – whether blindly, for party reasons, or because they liked something in his platform – knew what they were getting.

The only direct repudiation this year that came in the face of powerful men like this was the “Me Too” campaign on social media in which thousands of women rang in on men and sexual harassment. Time Magazine even named the campaign “Person of the Year,” a first for that right-of-center publication. But even as the campaign gained traction in news cycle after news cycle, the pushback from “ordinary men” (let’s call them) was building. In Silicon Valley, many male workers have taken to avoiding contact with their female coworkers – perhaps to protect themselves, perhaps out of clear resentment. This is an issue that is far from being resolved – as with so many other ills in the US, it will take a cultural change and that often takes generations to stick.

In the natural disaster department, nothing stole the show more than hurricanes – Harvey, Irma, and Maria, which left many citizens homeless or in limbo. Puerto Rico is still not recovered – many parts of that island still have no power – a damning accusation of the incompetence of this administration. Harvey dropped over 4 feet of water on southeast Texas – a region home to over 6 million people. The scandal that’s brewing is that the city permitted building in reservoir regions that hadn’t seen heavy rains in years – until August 25. The saddest stories were those who had moved themselves and their families into one house, only to have the home flooded out. This, too, will be a developing story particularly as June 1 approaches to signal the start of another hurricane season. (Harvey would impact my life as well; more in the personal section.)

When I look back at my own personal life in 2017, I think of a bunch of issues. My time in Houston had become repetitive, methodical, stale even. I spent many weekend nights driving from place to place, alone, hoping to “click” or connect with someone intelligent, fun, engaging, inclusive – in most cases that never happened. As with my suspicion about the gay community back in 1998, I had an underlying feeling I couldn’t really count on anyone. Getting sick, I was on my own. With two notable exceptions, only two people ever walked a resume of mine in for a job – and that never materialized. An intimate partner turned out to be a meth user and clearly unstable emotionally so I had to dump him.

The worst part was the job search. Starting (in earnest) in April and running clear through the end of the year, no interview resulted in an offer. The situation was thoroughly awful in Houston, with rotten recruiters among the decent ones and it being hard to know who I could trust. Even attempts at remote gigs failed – an auto parts place, a legal services company, and another place out of Wisconsin all refused to offer me full time work – with one place even doing a change-up on what their web site appeared to represent.

When there wasn’t interviewing going on, there was poor management – recruiters using automated software to generate letters asking about my interest level in seemingly anyplace. Endless phone call messages from foreigners with middle-eastern accents. Misspellings all over their notes. Replies that went unanswered. So much digital noise. By year’s end I was depleted. I had burned through 6 full months of UI benefits and a sizable portion of the last of my CDB IRA funds. I am still strongly considering jumping ship from the IT field. The CDB and Dell positions both were bolts out of the blue. So was Advanced Pharmacy. I would do better to just get something.

The plan, upon my de facto move to Dallas – an evacuation that turned into a temporary (?) home base – was to get a job offer and use that offer letter to get into cheaper housing. I am really, really deeply concerned about having to go the Craigslist/black market route – I know it’s a choice between unethical management or unresponsive management.

The move to Dallas, of course, made me feel even more removed from the people I call contacts in Houston. It’s not hard to see when people have tuned you out for whatever reason. It is others’ choice, but it’s still annoying. I am mulling over some kind of stop out with Facebook, at least – I have had better experience with Instagram.

So, for all the positive things that have happened for me here and there in 2017, it is safe to say that it has been a sour year. I feel less trust in the universe, in “God”, in whatever powers there are out there that are supposed to be beneficial to us. I railed out not long ago at the universe for not bringing the kind of people I want and need into my midst. It literally is like I’m being denied connections – or I just don’t have the psychological blueprint to attract the right connections to me. It is incredibly frustrating.

If 2018 is not forthcoming with something at least tenable on a basic level – where I have some kind of job and a real apartment – if the character of this new year isn’t substantially different from 2017, it may be the year that does me in – death – for good.

[djduskie]

ANSWER ALL OF THEM!!!! A L L O F T H E M! ! ! !

JFC WOMAN THAT’S 216 BLOODY QUESTIONS IN A ROW

ALRIGHTY THEN but I’m gonna put it under a Read More cause... yea, this is gonna get long I bet

1: My name?

My full name is Marissa Leigh Bell, but... that’s just a dumb name honestly and the initials are literally MLB

2: Do I have any nicknames?

Yes, and that is obviously Dusk! Or DJ Dusk, or Midnight... 

My IRL nicknames however are stupid. There’s Rissy, Rissa, Rissa Roo (one of my hospital techs call me that...), Sissy... they’re all dumb and I’m the only one who gets nicknames.

3: Zodiac sign?

Libra~!!

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win?

Hmm...  suppose that’ll have to be Starbound!! I often times like to open up Starbound and just find some new goals, whether it be item finding on achievement hunting. I guess another game I like to do is osu!, but I dunno how chill I am on that game pff

5: Book/series I reread?

Honestly, the ONLY readable thing I ever would reread is the one and only book I ever liked; And Then There Were None by Agatha Christine

6: Aliens or ghosts?

Ghosts, defiantly~!! I even have my very own EVP recorder!

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write?

I... don’t honestly read that many things except for like, online game journalists. Which I don’t even know if they count. (And if they do, then I’d say Jim Sterling since he’s a funny guy)

8: Favourite radio station?

None cause I hate listening to the radio

9: Favourite flavour of anything?

Prolly chocolate! Chocolate’s always a good flavour for most things~

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

“Amazing”, usually pff

11: Favourite song?

WHAT KINDA IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION IS THIS I CAN’T ANSWER THIS

I guess my all-time favourite song is “BAD APPLE !!”, but I also really like “Hip Hop Addict” and “Furioso Melodia”!

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better?

Well first, I’ll need to find a new friend, and I haven’t had a new friend in literal years

13: Favourite word?

I did originally write down “friggin”, but as I was answering everything else, I realized how often I use “prick”, so prolly that

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them?

Prolly not, since I’m a salty prick who can hold grudges for years.

15: Last song I listened to?

“Reconstructing Science” from the Portal 2 OST (It’s so good!!)

16: TV show I always recommend?

I don’t watch TV, like, ever... so I’ll just say Futurama since it’s one of the very few TV shows I actually like

17: Pirates or ninjas?

Ninjas all the way!!

18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down?

I don’t watch movies all that often either actually... maybe “Muppet Treasure Island” since I watched that movie ALL the time

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song?

It depends on if I found a new favourite song for the moment, but it usually has been Markiplier’s “Five Night’s at Freddy’s: Night 2″ song he did for Random Encounter~

20: Favourite video games?

HOO BOI 

Touhou Project, Undertale, OFF, Oneshot, Starbound, Splatoon, and osu! just to name a few

21: What am I most afraid of?

Honestly? Losing everyone I love (and I already lost one of them)

22: A good quality of mine?

...Do I have any?? pfff

Um... I guess the fact that I can often times be fairly kind and understanding?? Like, I don’t actually like to be such a salty lil prick (unless I’m conversing with a complete idiot of course)

23: A bad quality of mine?

Literally everything else HA

No seriously tho, I am the JUDGIEST prick around when it comes to interests. Like, there’s a reason why I have VERY little interests when it comes to games and why I just about never watch TV (it took a LOT of convincing to even get me to watch SU)

24: Cats or dogs?

CATS without question

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they're in?

Uhh... prolly Will Smith? I dunno I legit don’t pay attention to actors that much

26: Favourite season?

DEFIANTLY Autumn! It’s the season I was born in, the colours are so damn beautiful, it has Halloween, and it has some of my favourite aesthetics!

27: Am I in a relationship?

No, and honestly (even tho I tried to peruse one) I kinda don’t wanna be in one

28: Something I miss?

I miss the times when I was young, where I didn’t worry about my illness and I was just.. happy about everything. I was so positive back then.

29: My best friend?

The one and only @evils-corner, of course~!!

30: Eye colour?

Green! Though I was told it’s kinda saturated

31: Hair colour?

Dirty blonde at this point

32: Someone I love?

In... terms of romantically? No one. Platonically there’s quite the few

33: Someone I trust?

Prolly my couple friends, honestly pff

34: Someone I always think about?

Uhh how much I honestly hate being so ill all the time

35: Am I excited about anything?

Not... really

36: My current obsession?

Currently I’ve been in a Fire Emblem drive, but I’ve also once again been deep down in Touhou Hell (The obsession shifts to OFF and Undertale sometimes too)

37: Favourite TV shows as a child?

Futurama! Even tho that’s a TV show not really for kids, who cares I watched it anyways

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to?

ABSOLUTELY not. I’ve never had a male friend in my life I don’t think

39: Am I superstitious?

Not really? I like to believe there are such things as karma or “bad luck”, and I’m a huge believer in fate! I even have a green Lucky Cat sitting on my windowsill for good health!

40: What do I think about most?

Read question 34

41: Do I have any strange phobias?

STRANGE phobias? I don’t think so...

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

Defiantly behind the camera

43: Favourite hobbies?

Drawing!! Tied with gaming and sometimes piano playing~

44: Last book I read?

And Then There Were None like, years ago

45: Last film I watched?

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”! I never watched that movie before, and after hearing the song “Hellfire”, I was super interested in watching it. (Does that count?)

46: Do I play any instruments?

Yes, I play piano! Not that very well, but I do play it.

47: Favourite animal?

MMMMMMM it’s a three-way tie between bats, snakes, and turtles

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow?

Yo, I just follow my friends and some other dumb blogs and that’s it, I don’t really have a top 5 fave pff

49: Superpower I wish I could have?

Hmm, it’s either telekinesis, or the power to turn my creations (original characters) to life!! Imagine having my OCs help take care of me and help me...

50: How do I destress?

Aside from crying, I’d either watch a YouTube video to distract me, or I’d draw

51: Do I like confrontation?

Who the fuck does

52: When do I feel most at peace?

Usually on a nice rainy day, where the sky is a nice shade of grey and the rain is pouring, but not heavily. And it’s around 1 PM.

53: What makes me smile?

Talking to my friends, really~ 

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off?

Off, unless I start getting paranoid (which happens sometimes when I’m at home), then I’ll either keep my laptop screen open or I’ll full out keep the lights on.

55: Play any sports?

Nope.avi

56: What is my song of the week?

This song right here! It’s an EastNewSound song, and it’s SUPER catchy!

57: Favourite drink?

Pink lemonade, prolly!

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody?

Damn, that was prolly like... fuckin YEARS ago.

59: Afraid of heights?

You bet!

60: Pet peeve?

As dumb as this sounds (and I’m not even sure this counts), but... opened doors. If I’m in my room or in a hospital room (which I am right now), I CANNOT have a door opened. It just... disturbs me. Even when I’m at home alone I cannot have that door opened.

61: What was the last concert I went to see?

I’ve never been to a concert.

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian?

No, cause doing any of those would kill me since I NEED meat. (All you vegan pricks who whine and say EVERYONE can go vegan no matter what: fucking come at me)

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger?

I wanted to be a veterinarian for a while... then that just sorta stopped. I think I then wanted to just work for a zoo, which to this day I think would be neat

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy?

Kinda? My brother’s ex-girlfriend used to be a friend of mind before I... for some reason started being a lil bitch to her and we just cut ties. I really wanna apologize to her now, tho.

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

I wanna live in friggin Gensokyo!! And if I can’t be a yokai, then I’ll just happily live in the Human Village. Bro people fly and shoot lazors at others for fun there

66: Something I worry about?

Read question 21

67: Scared of the dark?

ONLY if I get unreasonably paranoid. Otherwise, not anymore. I used to be a long time ago due to one dream where I looked over to my toy shelf and saw a full blown skeleton hanging off of it.

68: Who are my best friends?

@evils-corner! (IRL, of course. I have a few others online!)

69: What do I admire most about others?

If anything, I’m just envy at everyone who isn’t sick

70: Can I sing?

HA

no

71: Something I wish I could do?

I wish I could walk/run/do literally ANYTHING without getting horribly worn out or have a bad coughing fit. It’d make so many things easier.

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do?

TO JAPAN!

73: Have I ever skipped school?

For no particular reason? I don’t think so. Tho there was one time my mother allowed me to sleep in til 1 PM on a school day cause I fell down the stairs and landed on my tailbone, causing me to just about jam my back. I was in a lotta pain, and on top of that I had sinus issues, so... eh

74: Favourite place on the planet?

No idea! I don’t travel to many places

75: Where do I want to live?

As prolly awful it would be to live in, I’d really love to live in a really forest-y area with creeks and waterfalls and just a lotta flora.

76: Do I have any pets?

Currently no, due to the owners of the house we are renting forbidding any pets.

77: What is my current desktop picture?

78: Early bird or night owl?

Both? Kinda? Recently it’s been night owl due to my terrible sleeping schedule. But I can and have woken up very early!

79: Sunsets or sunrise?

Neither cause none of them are appealing

80: Can I drive?

NOPE and I’m too scared to

81: Story behind my last kiss?

There is none

82: Earphones or headphones?

Headphones all the way!!

83: Have I ever had braces?

Nope

84: Story behind one of my scars?

Hm.. well I have this small oval shaped scar on my left hand!

 I was at the dentist and they were doing a root canal. Now, I have naturally long nails, and my one nervous tick is that I scratch. I’ll scratch myself if I have nothing to scratch, and that was the case when they were doing the root canal. I scratch subconsciously, so I have NO idea I’m causing damage. So I was scratching my left hand in one stop consistently, and thankfully the dentist assistant noticed and got me some stress balls to scratch on. Sadly tho the area scabbed really badly, and thus led to scarring.

85: Favourite genre of music?

Video game OSTs!! Or techno

86: Who is my hero?

My brother, Jonathon

87: Favourite comic book character?

I don’t read comic books

88: What makes me really angry?

Vegans.

Look I honestly have nothing against the concept of not eating meat/anything animal related cause you don’t wanna eat a previously living thing. I really don’t mind! You do you. But it’s the goddamn vegans that are the most PREACHIEST buggers that I swear to god sound like a cult, talking about “carnists” and how they “can’t see the TRUTH with how cruel they are” and just be so holier-than-thou PRICKS

Basically, as long as you aren’t telling me how to live my life and being fuckin rude cause I can’t see the “””truth”””, I have no problem with you. Otherwise, we’re gonna have problems. End of rant

89: Kindle or real book?

Kindles are nice cause you don’t have to deal with keeping the bloody book opened

90: Favourite sporty activity?

I... don’t have one I don’t think pff

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be?

I don’t fuckin know?? I haven’t been in a public school since 5th grade I don’t know shit when it comes to schools

92: What was my favourite subject at school?

Art, prolly. In homeschool tho I did Japanese, and I still do that on my own time!

93: Siblings?

I had my older brother Jonathon, who died when he was 19, and I have a little sister name Erica who is currently 16~

94: What was the last thing I bought?

$13 worth of micro-transactions on FE Heroes (23 Orbs, weren’t worth it)

95: How tall am I?

4′10″

96: Can I cook?

No, but I wanna learn!

97: Can I bake?

Kinda?

98: 3 things I love?

1. My sister

2. My friends

3. Bats

99: 3 things I hate?

1. Vegans

2. Cystic Fibrosis

3. S p i d e r s

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

Girls pff

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys?

Giirrllss

102: Where was I born?

Miamisburg, Ohio

103: Sexual orientation?

I used to be Asexual Aromantic, but now it’s Homosexual and Asexual

104: Where do I currently live?

Kansas! Boring ass place

105: Last person I texted?

My mother~

106: Last time I cried?

Two hours ago

107: Guilty pleasure?

Listening to REALLY stupid rap/ghetto songs (they’re so catchy but I hate the lyrics pff)

108: Favourite Youtuber?

Man I can’t just choose one... I guess right now my favourite is this Youtube channel called Night Mind! If you’re interested in ARGs and other creepy webseries, PLEASE check him out, he has an amazing voice and he’s great at explaining stuff

109: A photo of myself.

have a low quality selfie

110: Do I like selfies?

are you fuckin mocking me right now

the answer is No btw

111: Favourite game app?

Neko Atsume, prolly

112: My relationship with my parents?

With my mother, it’s... fair. She pisses me the HELL off sometimes, but I know she tries, despite what my negative self says. With my father, well... he’s no father to me. I want nothing to do with him.

113: Favourite accents?

British accents are nice, and due to me listening to WAY too many British people, I end up talking like them

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

SOMEWHERE in Japan

115: Favourite number?

3! Cause 3 is the magical number~ (and 4, and I have no idea why I like 4)

116: Can I juggle?

Hell no

117: Am I religious?

Nope, I’m agnostic~

118: Do I like space?

Uh, I like looking at the stars? But space in general, no. It terrifies me

119: Do I like the deep ocean?

I love seeing what terrifying creatures lay in the deep ocean! I always wonder to myself if man was ever supposed to traverse and discover what lies in the ocean...

120: Am I much of a daredevil?

Noooot really

121: Am I allergic to anything?

Yes! I am allergic to nickel (the material, causes rashes), Vancomycn (everyone gets the normal allergy of Red Man’s, but I go further and turn into a tomato, and also get fevers and lose oxygen), HYDROmorphone (A strong pain killer that lead to me getting immediately sick and not breathing), and Flucanozole (A yeast infection medication that causes me hives)

122: Can I curl my tongue?

Yes! And I love mocking my sister with it cause she can’t~

123: Can I wiggle my ears?

Nnnooooo?

124: Do I like clowns?

NOPE

125: The Beatles or Elvis?

Boi, I grew up with The Beatles!! My favourite song of their’s is “Eleanor Rigby”!

126: My current project?

Don’t think I have one at the moment. I’m busy dealing with a commission

127: Am I a bad loser?

I defiantly try not to be! I’d like to think I have gotten better.

128: Do I admit when I wrong?

Once again, I defiantly try! 

129: Forest or beach?

Forest!!

130: Favourite piece of advice?

I legit can’t remember any of ‘em right now pff

131: Am I a good liar?

Yea, almost to the point where I can be kiinda manipulative... Not gonna lie (no pun intended), it’s a trait I really don’t like about myself

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district?

Fuckin, uh... Ravenclaw/That One Faction/and District 5

i know NOTHING of either of those can’tcha tell

133: Do I talk to myself?

Not often, but if I’m feeling relaxed and I’m playing a game, I will sometimes quietly talk to myself

134: Am I very social?

NOOOPE

135: Do I like gossip?

I personally don’t like to gossip, but I can’t help but listen in

136: Do I keep a journal/diary?

I used to! I have a whole journal filled out from me trying to do Daily Entries, but almost halfway through the second journal I just fell out

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test?

I don’t think so!

138: Do I believe in second chances?

Only if the first chance wasn’t something so major I’d wouldn’t even think about it

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?

Try to locate any place that would potentially be able to keep it in case the owner comes by!

140: Do I believe people are capable of change?

Of course! A person could change every single day, that’s just how life works. Change is drastic, scary, and necessary.

141: Have I ever been underweight?

Eh, only my entire life (I’m currently 15 lbs. underweight)

142: Am I ticklish?

Not really!

143: Have I ever been in a submarine?

No, and I NEVER want to

144: Have I ever been on a plane?

Nope! I may one day tho~

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

I dunno, but there’s a good chance a film about my life wouldn’t even make it past production

146: Have I ever been overweight?

HAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA

147: Do I have any piercings?

No, cause most piercings are made of nickel, which I cannot wear

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real?

Sssshiiit... hm... There’s like, so many Touhou characters I’d prolly wish were real

149: Do I have any tattoos?

No, but I plan on maybe getting one in the future!

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

Prolly choosing to join the deviantART group, PMD-E, since that experience has basically kickstarted a lotta things for me

151: Do I believe in Karma?

I dunno, I never really think about it much...

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts?

I have glasses, but I never wear ‘em pff

153: What was my first car?

My very first car was this imaginary black car that I just made up literal seconds ago! It wasn’t the most impressive car, but I don’t give a shit about cars

154: Do I want children?

Well, there’s a 99.9% chance having a child could potentially kill me due to my thin and frail body, so if I EVER find a mate (which I won’t), I’d maybe adopt like, one kid.

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know?

My lil cousin who’s like... I think  6-7?? And that lil guy knows Spanish, is learning French, knows about countries none of us has ever heard about, can tell you every and any capital of any state, and that’s only to name a few. Dude’s a miniature Einstein I tell ya

156: My most embarrassing memory?

Honestly, I’ve made it a point to throw every embarrassing memory out the window, so I’m actually blanking right now

157: What makes me nostalgic?

Old website games like Club Penguin (rest in pepperonis) and Webkinz gets me pretty nostalgic anytime I play ‘em, cause they were just such a huge part of my childhood

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter?

Yes and it’s fucking awful

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty?

Prolly brains cause I really don’t care about beauty or looks

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe?

Greyscales

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience?

Loads of times! We speculate that we currently have 2 ghosts in our house, one of ‘em Jonathon and the other potentially a 16-17 year old boy who used to live in the house

162: What do I hate most about myself?

Uhhh read question 131

163: What do I love most about myself?

Not much, honestly

164: Do I like adventure?

I’d love to! But I can’t ever travel, so...

165: Do I believe in fate?

Absolutely!! Fate has brought me and one of my best friends together! I am a huge believer in fate

166: Favourite animal?

Read question 47

167: Have I ever been on radio?

No, but that’d be cool!

168: Have I ever been on TV?

Same as above

169: How old am I?

Such a generic question so late in the questionnaire... I’m 17!

170: One of my favourite quotes?

A personal quote I made myself:

“The problem is that we don’t know what the problem is.”

171: Do I hold grudges?

Absolutely

172: Do I trust easily?

Depends on the situation I think

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes?

I’d like to believe I have learnt from quite a few!

174: Best gift I’ve ever received?

Hmm... I think my Wii U!

175: Do I dream?

WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T

176: Have I ever had a night terror?

No and I hope to gods I never do cause they sound horrible

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind?

Not really, which pisses me off... 

178: An experience that has made me stronger?

I don’t think I had one..

179: If I were immortal, what would I do?

Go to Japan! Then cry forever cause being immortal has to be the worst punishment ever

180: Do I like shopping?

HELLL no

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do?

Prolly steal a nice Wacom Cintiq pff

182: What does “family” mean to me?

Family means... I dunno I don’t think about this much

183: What is my spirit animal?

I dunno! Never bothered to check. I’d say a bat cause wynaut

184: How do I want to be remembered?

I wanna be remembered as the person who made that One Cool Webcomic

or as DJ Dusk who made awesome music

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

Learn how to make music, maybe. Either that or master Japanese

186: What is my greatest failure?

My whole life HA

Seriously tho, prolly me giving up on school

187: What is my greatest achievement?

I don’t think I have one yet

188: Love or money?

Fuck love gimme money

at least I can get things to make me happy with money

189: Love or career?

Well since I cannot have a career, in this instance love wins

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

I actually have no idea. Like, I can’t think of what I’d do.

191: What makes me the happiest?

Being with my friend? I dunno, I haven’t been happy in quite a while..

192: What is “home” to me?

The house I currently live in. It doesn’t have much a meaning anymore considering how often I’m in the hospital

193: What motivates me?

Nothing!

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be?

I feel like I’d want to say something super petty, but... I’d prolly say something like “I hope to see you soon”, like I’d be ghostie or somethin’

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

PROLLLY not

196: A movie that scared me as a child?

I dunno but there was this one Batman movie, and there was this scene where this girl took a punch of plushies and stabbed them and threw ‘em in a garbage disposal and that was absolutely upsetting to me cause I have a huge love for plushies

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now?

Lasagna

198: Zombies or vampires?

VAMPIRES YO

199: Live in the city or suburbs?

City, I guess?

200: Dragons or wizards?

DRAGONS

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

The first nightmare I ever had was me and a couple of neighborhood kids just hanging out in front of my house on the driveway, and for some reason my church priest or whatever was there? And for NO REASON a truck comes and runs him over, and black guts spewed everywhere and his scream still haunts me to this day

It was a fucked up dream

202: How do I define love?

Love honestly is just the strong feeling of trust and compassion you have for another. I dunno much about romantic/sexual love, since I’ve never experienced it tho

203: Do I judge a book by its cover?

Absolutely, much to my detriment 

204: Have I ever had my heart broken?

No, and I may never will

205: Do I like my handwriting?

Not really, no

206: Sweet or savoury?

Sweet, I guess!

207: Worst job I’ve had?

I’ve never had a job

208: Do I collect anything?

Turtle plushies and such! Dunno why

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without?

My treble clef necklace that holds a part of Jon’s ashes

210: What is on my bucket list?

To go to Japan!

211: How do I handle anger?

Uuuh I don’t. I cry for an hour until it blows off

212: Was I named after anyone?

Apparently I was named after Marissa Tomei

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot?

Literally like all the time

214: What TV character am I most like?

No idea! I don’t watch TV

215: What is the weirdest talent I have?

Uh... on my left foot I can raise my pinkie toe?

216: Favourite fictional character?

Either Komachi Onozuka or Satori Komeji from Touhou

AND THAT’S ALL OF ‘EM

SCREW YOU EVIL. I LOVE YA BUT HONESTLY SCREW YOU